She's Here! And my energy is returning.

On the night of Sunday the fifth of December I went into labor around bedtime. We called my Doula at 3:30am an she was here helping us through it an hour later. Firstborn daughter blee slept through it all until 6:30 when she woke up on her own, a typical time. At 7:30 things shifted into high gear fast and at 8 my husband took our car and our daughter one direction to get her to school while my doula took me the other direction towards the hospital. Hoping to meet up again before the birth.

After narrowly avoiding giving birth in my doula's van, then the hospital waiting room while a receptionist lectured me about not being pre-registered and all the paperwork on me she'd have to do as a result. My husband did make the birth with all of about five minutes to spare. Charlotte Patricia was born at 8:58 and was put to my chest to feed straight away. When she did get weighed an hour later she came in at 8lbs 2oz and 19in. Not too shabby.


Big sister is loving being a big sister and we are all doing well and settling into our new lives as a family of four. She loves to tell everyone and anyone about her baby. She gives the baby gifts of her toys.

I Guess This Means I'm Nesting?

This is the start of the stash I am building for baby Charlotte. A few cozy wraps, stuffed animals, a tiny knit hat that never really fit Alex, a nursing cover, lovey blankets and more. Not much for right now, but newborns don't really need that much.

I'm twenty three weeks as of tomorrow and finally this whole we're going to have another baby business is sinking in and feeling like it is actually going to happen.

A Good Year for Art Afterall

2007 in a nutshell
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I often have felt like I wasted a lot of 2007 due to my rather difficult pregnancy. First I was tired all the time, followed by some sort of flu that lingered for a solid three months. Then about two or three good weeks before the horribly puking up acid reflux got out of control. Then the pregnancy induced hypertension and finally going twelve days late.

But last night I was inspired by a printmaking group I am a member of to go through my images and pick my five favorites. And I ended up with ten. About half of them are before the birth during the pregnancy and the other half came after as I was making art again a month after she was born. I didn't do so terrible after all. And I really see a lot of artistic growth at the end. I never believed it when people told me that being mother could actually grow my art instead of holding me back. But it has proven to be true. Sure it is really hard to keep up with the business side of things now, but artistically I am exploring and taking a lot more risks than I ever have before. I've jumped into mixed media and collage and am really excited to see what is next. I even ordered my first Wacom Tablet tonight. And I have always been so afraid of getting into digital art. But I have some ideas on mixing it up with my Gocco and collages and after mulling it over for a couple of months I decided to go for it. If it doesn't work out I either have a really good mouse or could make most of the money back on Craig. I'm excited about it.

change topic

We just finished watching the movie The Business of Being Born and I highly recommend it, especially to women living in the United States such as myself. I gave birth with a nurse midwife at a hospital, but this still opened my eyes up to some pretty disturbing stuff. I never planned on going drug free, never planned to get so into babywearing and I certainly didn't plan on cloth diapering even a little. When I found out that I was pregnant I was terrified of giving birth like most women in the US and I wanted to be drugged and have it over with. But it didn't quite work out like that for me because blee had other plans about how she wanted to be born. And I am grateful to her because it is a memory that I now treasure. Now I know that if I have another at the very least I want to go natural and even look into home births. Man, I never thought I would find myself saying that one!

Anyhow, it is almost time for Lost and we still haven't eaten dinner so I am going to try and find something to eat while we wait for TIVO to get ahead of the show. Everything has been really great for me since Monday being not so great. Today was the best day we have had in a long time. She didn't cry for a single moment the entire day. She doesn't tend to cry a lot usually but I usually get something. And I finished the outside line carving of a new pattern block. But I am putting it aside for a few days and working on something else before getting into the hard part, the clearing. It is hard in the sense that it is monotonous and therefor boring and slow.

One Final Goal

Packages to Mail
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Little (or not so little) blee has officially made it into September without being born and I am pretty certain that I am going to have to be induced on Monday. I'm just not feeling it happening before then. The process starts Sunday and lasts all day and most of the night but the induction itself starts on Monday.

I'm behind on mailing orders. Even though every person that has ordered from me recently has given me permission and even sometimes encouraged me to take my sweet time I just can't do it! This is unfortunately an old photograph and not the current orders that need to be shipped. But my one goal for the day is to get these items packed and shipped by evening. Even if it means doing it in stages and resting in between. Buyers have been beyond wonderful in giving me time but I just think it would be so much better for everybody if I could get these out before I get induced and today is the final day. That way I don't have them hanging out in the back of my mind when I have my baby to care for.

Adjust that. I wrote that last paragraph last night before bed when I wasn't feeling great but I wasn't feeling awful either. This morning I woke up with a horrible leg cramp along with my entire body being in pain. The best thing to do for leg cramps is to get up right away and stand and walk it off if needed. Except there is no such thing as me getting up quickly, especially first thing in the morning. After tossing and turning screaming in agony Jon woke up and hoisted me up and I forced myself to walk. I'm still hurting. My goal from last night is still my goal, but I have to consider my health. I hate this so much. There is also the little extra of getting light headed and having difficulty breathing randomly throughout the day. And if I go into labor then all goals are off other than getting this baby out!

Maybe I can get Jon to do the packing for me while I give orders from the comfort of my glider chair?

A week ago we were spending our final day with our beloved cat Burrito and preparing to say goodbye and now we are in the final preparations for this new life. It is an odd mix of expectation, sadness and still some disbelief about both the cat being gone and that we are actually about to become parents. What a week it has been. What an August!

Eviction Papers Served

Sleepytime Tea (with chine colle)
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Good late morning to all.

As I sit here drinking my morning tea I want to give a bit of a shoutout to the wonderful TeaNoir from Etsy who sent me some lovely tea along with a handmade stuffed platypus for blee the other day. I ordered from her a number of months ago and she remembered what my favorite tea and gifted me with some. Have I ever said how Etsy is filled with many wonderfully kind people? Well, it is! Thank you doll! Her "Juicy" tea is a lychee flavored tea and it makes the best iced tea.

I'm feeling a bit better emotionally ever since I called the midwives yesterday to talk about getting induced. Let's just say that I didn't have to fake breaking down over the phone, all the frustrations came out with Judy. She is one of my favorites and she talked me out of inducing right away and giving blee a few more days to come out on her own. But since she is working on Monday and that is the day before I am 42 weeks anyhow we did schedule an induction for then. So eviction papers have been served. It is such a relief to not only have this date but to know that even worst case I get to be induced with somebody that I know, trust and feel very comfortable with. I see my normal midwife Lara tomorrow for a standard visit. If I go into labor prior to Monday I really hope she is working!

On Tuesday my good friend Chuck came for a visit from NYC and I was able to meet up with him, Mary and some other people for dinner before they all went to Karaoke at the Milky Way. I was certainly not up for that part but dinner was great. I got to handle and play with an iPhone for the first time and that was a lot of fun. I was pretty down on them before despite my love of iPods because of the price but now I get it. I still think they are too rich for my blood, but I admit that they are damn sexy little machines that I will covet from afar.

The last of my pine cone pieces sold yesterday and this is bittersweet. I am both happy and sad about it. That they are popular is great but now they are gone and I don't know if I can print in this state, but I would really like to have some for the Open Studios at the end of September. Since it isn't too hot today I may try to do some printing. Am I totally insane? I miss it so but it is murder on my hips and the rest of my poor broken body.

Past Due

Deep Sea Goddess
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

On a whim I listed this piece just a few moments ago. Even though I am not big on promoting myself lately I just had to put it out there because I love it so.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts sent my way lately, it has helped to know that I am not a freak for feeling the way that I have been feeling. Unfortunately it doesn't make the feeling go away either but at least I don't have to feel like the worst soon to be mother ever.

Mornings are the worst for me now so I would say to expect my blog updates to be less often and later on during the day. Yesterday we had to get up early and go to the hospital for an ultrasound and a nonstress test to check on my fluids because I am a week late. Everything is fine but it was a miserable experience. I hurt and probably should have been in a wheelchair but pride kept me from asking for one. So I just hobbled around the halls leaning against railings when needed. The ultrasound itself was quite painful because my belly was feeling very stretched out and sore and being pressed by the machine hurt. Plus lying on my back put a lot of strain on my back. I'd really like to have my body back, and know even after birth it will be months before that happens. But I would like to get the process started. I wasn't even excited about seeing the baby in the ultrasound because at this point that is not how I want to see her. I don't want to see a hand on a screen I want to touch the hand.

This morning I woke up around 6am in some serious pain. My upper and lower belly hurt very badly and my back was killing me. Getting out of bed was difficult. I walked and the pain didn't go away. I wondered for a moment if it could be labor except it wasn't a contraction but a constant pain that didn't let up. Somehow I managed to go back to sleep. Woke up about an hour and a half later still in pain but slightly lessened. Went back to sleep and slept until nearly 11am. Felt much better this time and was ready to get up finally. I'm still a bit groggy and should probably make some tea but the pain from this morning is pretty much gone.

I'm considering calling and seeing if I can schedule an induction for this week today. The problem is that I don't know if I can do that without at least talking to my midwife and I don't know if I can reach her today. I guess I can give it a shot otherwise I have to wait until my appointment on Friday. But actually taking the step to schedule an induction is scary to me. I can't seem to make that call. I was ready to make that call at 6am this morning when I was in tears from the pain, but they weren't open then! Now that I feel okay I am more hesitant.

sadness has me

I've been feeling rather irritable with increasing depression ever since mid-day yesterday. First I was just in shock and then it started to turn into depression. The cat combined with everything else is really getting to me. And I have a sinus headache again and am almost out of sudafed. Why does pregnancy give me allergy symptoms?

I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed to try to do something to cheer myself up by being productive. I am a little afraid of failure. Of being reminded how sore I am and that I have been in bed these past weeks for a reason.

I have lots of books that I could read but I don't want to for some reason. Haven't been able to focus on a book in a couple of months now. Don't want to put on a movie or even watch silly youtube videos. The headache doesn't help. I ate some cereal for breakfast along with a cup of tea yet I still feel very weak and feeble like I haven't eaten a thing.

Honestly right now I don't even feel excited about the baby. I just feel worn out and sad. Distracted and ill prepared like I missed my window.

At least there are threads like this one on Etsy that do a bit to cheer me up at least temporarily. It is very sweet of them to care though sometimes I do feel a little weird (and somewhat guilty) that I seem to house a bit of an Etsy celebrity! I guess Etsy admin Matt has been going around for months saying she would be born on his birthday. That he prophesied it. Well, his birthday came and went yesterday. Sorry Matt, I do wish you had been correct. One thing is for sure I really do need to gather up threads like these and print them out for the baby book! Some of them are classic!

People are really acting funny about this baby like we are going to have it and not tell anybody. Yesterday both my grandmother and my dad called asking for news. Right before we got off the phone both of them reminded me that they expect a call when the big event happens. Jon's family has been the same. And so have friends. Of course we are going to call and contact people! Isn't that kind of a given? Weird.

The Weekend is Over

Surrounded by Pine Cones
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

It has been so weird not listing anything new for these weeks that the other day I broke down and listed this piece. It is the final pine cone piece I have made. Not the final one period, just the last one that I will probably have for awhile so I figured I should at least get this one up! Making my shop virtually dormant and not listing pieces that I have does feel strange even if it does make sense. I mean the only time I have taken a break since I started in January 2006 was when I was so sick I didn't have anything new to put up. This time it is different. Before I was sick and had nothing, now I have plenty but I am distracted and disconnected. First from baby anticipation and now with this added sadness from our huge loss. But the loss makes me want to do something to distract myself.





I would like to thank everybody for being so wonderfully supportive during this incredibly difficult weekend. Your support really did make a difference in getting us through the days and both of us appreciate it greatly. Even though she was a sick kitty and had been for a long time, this sudden and dramatic turn really caught us off guard. Putting her to sleep yesterday morning was probably the most difficult thing either one of us have ever done. We stayed with her until she was completely sedated. Jon held her in his arms while the sedative took effect so that was her final memory and we feel good about that. On Saturday more than anything I just wanted the day to pass without me going into labor (for once I didn't want it) because I knew that not only would any delay cause her more pain but she was doing so bad and getting worse so fast she could have died during the wait. And her dying in the corner behind the sofa is now that we wanted while I am having my baby! Thank God she got to have some dignity and plenty of love during her final moments. But our time with her was just too short. We're still in shock from it all. The first picture is the last picture I took of Burrito and the second one is the fat and rolly polly happy kitty we would like to remember her as.

Now that ordeal is over with we would really like to welcome the new baby! She will be a week overdue as of tomorrow and as a result we have an ultrasound and destress test scheduled at the hospital on Tuesday morning. They do this every time a woman goes a week overdue to make sure the environment is still safe for the baby, because that becomes an issue with pregnancies that go over term. Since my blood pressure has dropped and stayed stable I am no longer considered high risk and cannot be induced until I hit 41 weeks, but they will not let me go past 42 weeks. I don't want to be having this baby into September! It's okay that she decided not to be a Leo but to be a Virgo instead, but September? If I haven't had the baby when I get the ultrasound I may see if I can schedule an induction that day instead of waiting for my appointment with the Mid Wife on Friday the 31st. It is starting to feel like this baby isn't real and that she is never coming out. Sure she kicks the crap out of me on a nightly basis just to remind me of her realness, but come out already!

If I am feeling up to it and I can get the studio a reasonably cool temperature I am going to try and do some sitdown carving today. I have been so useless for weeks now and it is really getting to me. I get tired very fast. I have to try to get something accomplished, to produce something.

Still Waiting - Life on Hold

SPT belly
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Going to see the midwife (again) tomorrow at 10am. If anything interesting happens I will let you guys know. Here is hoping that my body has made some progress getting this kid out. I had a call tonight from the leader of my former mom's group and she was perkily telling me how her first came two weeks early but she had to wait for her second who only came two days early. Poor thing. Yeah, not what I want to be hearing right now. Everyone please mentally get together and will this child out so I can try to be a person again.

Gotta package up a small but of course very important order before I go. Been a bad girl and have waited a few days to send it. Sales have been pretty decent for me this month despite how much scaling back I have done promoting and listing. They are slowing down more and this is good, I want this because it means I have control enough to keep things slow and manageable during this time and the time to come. I would much rather be able to slow them through lack of promotion along with a notice in my shop about what is going on than putting every 116 items into edit mode! But of course there is that little insecure voice inside of me that cries just a little.

I know, totally silly and best ignored.

So this picture is of me drinking the last of the raspberry leaf tea last night. I have decided that this is bullshit labor tea. It certainly does seem to bring on labor pains as it has the three nights I drank it and the one night I abstained I had none. But you don't see me with a baby either do you? Basically I get the pain and it leads nowhere. This tea lead to some rough nights thinking I might be going into labor only to have them vanish into thin air. I do not recommend this tea to any of you expectant moms. It is a labor tease.

I'm not very mobile lately. Blee feels like she is about to fall out of me at times when I walk and I get some serious pains. I entertain myself with youtube a bit. I'm currently pretty obsessed with Flight of the Conchords and this is the song that is currently stuck in my head.

"These aren't tears of sadness cause you're leaving me.

I've just been cutting onion for a lasagna. For one."

That and the end are my favorite bits.

The Perfect Morning

Poppies Seen Through Windows - ACEO/ ATC
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Just what I want when I am trying to get plenty of rest is to have road work (complete with jackhammer) just outside my bedroom window. Ah well, at least I did get a pretty good nights sleep last night and am feeling okay today. Feeling good enough to have a baby even! And the weather is quite nice so at least I am not overheated because that is very unfun when pregnant. I've lucked out as far as weather goes this summer pregnancy.

Hope all is well for everybody. Thank you to everybody for being there for me during these long and bumpy months. It certainly has been an adventure.

I didn't have any contractions yesterday just a lot of stabbing pain whenever I stood up and moved. The most disturbing part was when I had Jon google it and he came back telling me it is perfectly normal. I was near tears and this is normal? This kind of pain should only come with the baby actually coming out!

Just like I did yesterday I am going to stay down as much as possible today. I actually listed a piece this morning for the heck of it. It isn't new, but I have quite a few pieces that haven't been listed yet because I have had other things on my mind. And of course the card pictured is also available. I really like this little card. The colors and the way the shapes work together suits me. Provided I don't go into labor today, and I really do hope that I do, I am making a Post Office run tomorrow.

My Gosh!

Earthy Ginkgos
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Everybody is so baby obsessed! Not that I am at all hahah but I put up this picture on Flickr and within a couple of minutes am receiving comments not about it but about the blee. And I find out that my pregnancy buddy, the one with so much of the same pains and nearly the same due date (a few days behind) is getting induced today just after a midwife tells us that we should keep waiting. Gah!

While I know induction can be not fun I am feeling a little envious right now because I am so tired of this. Once again last night I had horrible pain that turned into contractions for hours. At times these contractions would be spaced out about every five minutes. Then they would just go away. My back hurt like crazy until around 2am when suddenly it stopped and I was finally able to get some sleep. This happens to some degree or another every night and it is driving both Jon and I crazy.

I was so pleased with myself for being able to as much done on the block as I have this past week by working in spurts on and off. All the linework around the edges of the images has been carved and the clearing of negative space has been started. It is going a lot faster than I ever expected it would in my condition. My blood may not be in this piece but certainly my sweat and tears are in it. I grit my teeth and carve until I am physically unable to anymore. I am doing a big local art fair at the end of September (hopefully) and I can't help but think how wonderful it would be if I actually had prints from this block to show then. But getting it carved and printed with this baby looming is not something I should be pressuring myself to do. It is so hard as I continue to wait for her to quit teasing me and show up. Then I can finally know just how much my life is going to change.

I'm going to try and go back to sleep. I feel awful. I was really hoping to wake up to labor pains instead of going to sleep with them. The thought of having a baby when we are both freaking exhausted is really scary. Last night during the contractions I was finding myself so tired I just wanted to have them let me sleep while doing a C section because I couldn't imagine pushing.

I love you all! xoxoxo

A week is a long time

Stop Working!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Heck just a day or two seems like forever at this point. Today is my due date and I am not feeling hopeful about it. I don't know what is happening with this birth anymore. I'm going in to see my midwives twice a week now ever since my blood pressure went up a couple of weeks ago. I see my midwife every Friday and a different one on Tuesdays. And the other midwives do not seem to agree with my midwife's desire to induce me by the end of this week. While I wasn't exactly looking forward to getting induced I wish I knew what was happening.

I am horribly uncomfortable but my pressure is still down and all my tests are good and normal so the midwife I saw today just didn't feel comfortable scheduling an induction for me like I was told she would do. She seemed perfectly happy letting me go a week or more past my due date.

Last week I was feeling quite good physically and mentally and at a bit of a high point in the pregnancy. Despite my size I was pretty comfortable and actually was able to get some carving done on this block and make decent progress. I don't think that is possible anymore and it makes me sad and frustrated. This baby is growing and my body is hurting from it as it struggles to accommodate her size. I feel body parts pressing up at uncomfortable angles and points on my body and my movement and bending is very limited. Even getting out of bed and chairs is quite a painful chore at this time. My belly feels tight as a drum and very sore pretty much all the time and once again I am having difficulty sleeping. Even getting a good breath of air is difficult and painful. Women may have been going through this for thousands of years but that isn't making it any easier. It just makes the existence of the human race all the more amazing to me.

Sometimes I have contractions at night, they even get to be fairly regular, but they end up fading and eventually going away. I want her out Are babies ever on time?

Tired

Aug 18th
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Doing well overall except I am very tired and have a sinus headache. Did you know that it is common to get stuffed up at the end of pregnancy? I didn't know this but apparently it is totally common. Feels like allergies I am told and it isn't much fun. Especially since headaches that don't go away are one of the warning signs of pre-eclampsia. So I have to tell the difference between a dangerous headache and a sinus headache.

But my blood pressure has dropped so much and I have zero swelling things are good. My due date is on Tuesday the 21st! How crazy is that? I will be getting an exam then and if I haven't had the baby yet she will probably schedule me for an induction that Friday.

I'd much rather have her come naturally and I would really like that day to be today so she can share the 18th with both of her parents. But it isn't looking likely.

Jon and I went and saw Superbad with friends last night and while I laughed very hard, I did not laugh hard enough to shake her loose. What a disappointment I feel the movie totally failed me.

I called up my father today and talked to him a bit. Turns out the birthday gift I sent my sister ages ago hasn't arrived yet. I hope when it does arrive, and based on my massive experience with the Post Office 99.9% it always does arrive, somebody will let me know! I got to talk to my sister who is now eight for a bit but after awhile my headache really started getting to me and I had to get off the phone. Getting off the phone with a chatty eight year old is never easy. She's going to be a great auntie! I really hope they make it to Boston to see the baby in November as planned.

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Now playing: Flight of the Conchords - Not Crying
via FoxyTunes

Stressful Day

Butterfly in the City
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I didn't want to use another baby related picture so I figured I may as well use this piece for this entry since it is one of my more recently listed items. I haven't been listing right now. Being on pause mode and all.

Yesterday pretty much stunk. And now I am up with some minor acid problems but should be able to go back to bed shortly. Not great fun, but I have had worse.

Yesterday after being super stressed out about Jon and his neck problems I crashed and took a nap. I woke up feeling awful with a headache and realized that I hadn't felt the baby kicking since the morning. I did what I am supposed to do and lay on my side and tried counting kicks. I am supposed to get at least six in an hour. A half hour passed and I got nothing. I started freaking out. Jon wanted to put on a DVD while I continued but I was too hysterical by that point. She is normally such an active girl I had these graphic images of a dead baby inside of me stuck in my head. We called the midwife on call and she told me to come into the hospital. This was around five PM.

Jon would randomly scream and cuss while driving because the pain in his neck was so bad. My stress level kept rising. We got there and checked in and as soon as we were sitting in the waiting area I started feeling kicks. Figures! But I still wanted to get checked out. I did have a headache that wouldn't go away.They took me in and put me and the baby on the monitor and her heartbeat sounded just as fantastic as always. And her movements were getting stronger and stronger. At times I could have sworn I was having contractions, but according to the machine I was not. Well I was hooked up to it so long I had to be taken off so I could pee! Then got hooked up again while we waited for the midwife. Once she came she took my blood pressure again and it is continuing to drop and sent me home.

I see my midwife today around 10am. Last week she was talking about inducing me if I hadn't had the baby by now, but then my blood pressure was at it's highest. Now it is at it's lowest so I don't know. It still isn't low but it does seem to be out of the danger level.

I just wish she would come! And I wish Jon would be well enough that I could have his support and not have to worry about his pain and just focus on having this baby. I need him!

I swear that I will be able to talk about things other than the baby once all of this passes. But right now it is pretty much everything I can think about.

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Now playing: Beck - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime
via FoxyTunes ---------------

Poster Winner!

budanART Poster Winner!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

This beautiful entry for the Etsy Poster Contest was one of the winners and I am lucky enough to be on it! This poster along with others will be given out at fairs and other events to promote Etsy. My piece is the eye in the second column of the bottom row. I knew being included in a entry from this person gave me a good shot since her treasuries always rock! I'm in another great one too, but this is my favorite. I covet the piece below the weiner dog.

No more wishing for the baby to arrive today please. In fact, if you could send any baby delivery wishes to
Michelle aka cicadastudio instead of me it would be greatly appreciated. She's the one that is really ready to have her baby! Jon woke up with a pinched nerve in his neck and suddenly I am by far the mobile one in the household. I didn't say active because that honor goes to the partying blee in my belly! She just never seems to let up!

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Now playing: Flight of the Conchords - Robots (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Needs a Baby!

The blee corner
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Good late morning to all. I just woke up not too long ago! Haven't even made myself a pot of tea yet. That certainly sounds like a good idea. I am loving having good light blocking curtains in the bedroom and I hope baby appreciates them while napping.

The waiting game continues.

Art is still happening after some time off and that makes waiting a little bit better. I carved quite a bit yesterday and I will probably carve today. Right now I am getting my studio nice and cool so I can be comfortable. I'm making some serious progress on the block and that is very encouraging. Granted it is just the outlines that I am carving, even when I am done with that I have a heck of a lot of clearing work to do. But this block has me excited and motivated to work on it and get it done as soon as possible without pushing myself too much.

We saw a midwife yesterday since I have to go in twice a week now. This one was a lot more relaxed than my typical midwife and didn't seem concerned at all. It helped that my blood pressure has dropped significantly and was out of the danger zone for the first time in about a month. Both numbers fell at least ten points! If is stays low the pressure to have this baby ASAP might not be strong enough to induce before my delivery date.

Mostly I am ready to have her out so we can meet her, but she's behaving herself so keeping her in has some advantages as well. And Jon does have some work to finish up.

Last night we were out late at our neighbor's house. First we took Maeby over to be social with other greyhounds and she was our sweet but socially awkward girl. Then we went over to our friend's house for a BBQ. All I ate was fruit, not really wanting BBQ meat at this time. We were getting bitten so we took it inside and ended up chatting for hours long after the kids went to bed and the other guests had left. It was nice but we crashed when we got home.


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Now playing: The Pogues - The Ghost Of A Smile
via FoxyTunes

I can still work! (a little)

Taking it on!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Morning to all! Another Tuesday and no baby. Last night we were convinced she was on her way and were even using the computer to time contractions. Then the power went out and we both fell asleep. I guess they must not have been true contractions after all. I'm sure we are not the only impatient one at this point.

After having a few slug days in a row I had a small burst of energy last night a couple hours before bedtime. It wasn't super hot out and I had the air on and the door closed and Jon was in the bedroom hanging curtains. (now our bedroom can finally be nice and dark when we sleep). At first I thought maybe I would do some printing, but I realized that is insane and way too much commitment once I have my inks out so I decided to start carving this puppy instead! I know there is no way it will get finished anytime soon but I might as well get it started. Normally I carve standing up because I feel I get a better angle that way but pregnant I try to sit as much as possible. But at times it just wasn't possible and as I bent over to carve my belly would press up against my lower body. Seriously not comfortable and i tried not to do that often! Don't worry I didn't overdue it and stopped after about an hour and then took a lovely cool shower.

I've been feeling like such a useless slug with nothing but wanting this baby out on my mind for days now. It felt good to let out some creativity even if it wasn't much.

And now i have a bedroom with dark curtains so me and the baby can sleep better. I then vacated my studio and he hung curtains in there too. We got curtains for the whole place but the ones in the bedroom and my studio are the most important because that is where she will be sleeping. And the studio corner with her pack and play bassinet has a window right there that didn't even have blinds. I think we need to get even more to block light in there.

For a couple of days we were thinking that we want to have this baby on the 18th, that way she can share the date with both of us! That and see Superbad in the theaters on Friday the 17th! But I have since changed my mind and want her out ASAP. The more time passes the bigger she gets and from her squirms I am thinking she is very big and cramped in there!

Making art, listing on Etsy and putting stuff on Flickr is becoming less important in my mind. Blogging is becoming more difficult as well. I'm so tired so much of the time. But I have discovered that people tend to jump to the conclusion that I am having the baby if I don't at least poke my head out once a day! I was thinking if the power wasn't back on by morning I would have to call somebody to post that I am not having the baby I just don't have power! I swear that other than my mother in law my friends and the people I know through Etsy are the most excited about her arrival. Or maybe it is just that my family tends to be very reserved.

We have plans for a BBQ at a friend's house and a play date for local greyhounds to run around in a fenced in area tonight. Jon is working on finishing up some major projects at work before he takes his leave. So probably she'll come sometime today! That is fine with me because I really would like to avoid getting induced or having a C section. Recovery for a C can be really difficult and I have a big art fair that I would really like to do at the end of September. It is very important to me.

P.S. feeling better after my emotional moodiness from the last post! Thanks for being understanding.

Never a cool kid

Looking at You - ACEO/ ATC
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Should a blogger show no weakness? I'm a professional and should exude confidence at all times right? Well maybe this post will never see the light of day but right now I am not brimming with self confidence. Not being able to physically or mentally make art certainly isn't helping me feel good about myself as an artist. I wanted to do some printing or carving so badly yesterday but my body and mind just weren't up to it. I am on countdown mode to the baby and my life is pretty much on hold right now.

Don't get me wrong I love and am quite confident in my work most of the time. I've really grown as an artist in the past two years. Even damn proud of many of my pieces and certainly am proud of my rather large body of work. Even small pieces like this art card are things of joy for me. And I am also proud of what I have accomplished as an artist doing it my way in a rather short period of time after a long period where I had no art. It is quite the turn around and that is something that I should be thankful for and celebrate.

But sometimes I see something random surfing around online late at night while battling anxiety induced insomnia or a random thought pops into my mind and I suddenly feel small and insignificant. Yes I have this, this and this but what about the things that I haven't accomplished? And then I start comparing myself to other artists and their successes and I don't always measure up. My work may be strong and I am not about to change it to meet whatever is hip but I am just not one of the uber cool indie artists it seems. My work is beautiful, colorful and filled with complex layering and texture. But I don't know just how much of a cool factor it has. I'm just trying to find and accept my place in all of this and love my work for what it is. I've never been one of the cool kids in any time or any scene in my life so why should this be any different?

I am way more secure about my work than i used to be, but I have my moments when I am not. It will pass I am sure, especially when I am able to work again. I'm sure being exhausted and filled with pregnancy hormones isn't helping.

She will be born Aug 18th

Michael Cera
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I've decided. I can plan my delivery around a silly movie premier right? Superbad opens up in theaters on the 17th so I was thinking the 18th would be the best day to have this baby! This movie has everything I could possibly want. Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan from Freaks and Geeks paired up with Michael Cera all bundled up in one movie. As a bonus she could then have a birthdate in common with both of her parents since mine is February 18th and Jon's is May 18th. Everybody wins and I get to see a movie I have been looking forward to ever since I saw the preview before Knocked Up. I read in an interview that Apatow's favorite TV show is Extras and that just deepens my love. Uncomfortable comedy is where it is at.

It is really hard to pick a favorite in Arrested Development since there was just so much talent on that show. But Michael Cera, who played George Michael Bluth is certainly a contender. And at the young age of 19 I think he has a big future ahead of him. His deadpan gets me every time. Just do a search on youtube for him and you can see some of his brilliance. I think I have a crush on a 19 year old, how sad is that? I'm sure he just loves married pregnant women that are ten years older than him.

This waiting game for the birth is really not much fun at all. Every pain I have I wonder if this is it, but it never is. Yesterday the midwife told us that if I don't deliver this baby this coming week I am getting induced, even though that is only a few days before my due date. One thing is pretty certain, that I won't be going past my due date of August 21st. Superbad and a strange fascination with numbers has me pushing for August 18th.

Quiet Days

Earthy Ginkgos
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Hello everybody. This entry could be long and ramble a bit or it could be short for all I know. I guess I would say that while I have a lot on my mind these last few days I have been feeling extra quiet and more to the point not feeling like doing much of anything. I haven't even been nagging Jon much to do baby prep stuff! As much as I want this baby to come I am not doing enough to prepare for it and I know it. It is good thing blee won't be in the nursery for months because it is a total mess with all the clothing and other gifts piled in the crib. We have two empty drawers, why aren't we using them? But for the first months she will be sleeping either with us or in the Pack n Play bassinet that is next door to the bedroom in my studio.

The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.

The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.

Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!

So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.