I had a blog post focusing on these two drawings that I plan on turning into Gocco prints for collage started, but never got to finishing it.
Then Jon came hold and told me that he had bad news. That a friend of ours has colon cancer, he's 38 years old and has three small children.
I deleted my original posting and started over.
I'm at a loss about what to say now I am so stunned and sad. Jon is over there now. Prayers/ good vibes/ whatever you have would be great. Their youngest is one and a half years old. Their oldest boy is six.
Speaking of cancer before all this unfolded I went to a mom's group I had never been to and one of the moms I ended up talking with is a Neurologist specializing in brain tumors and epilepsy. Needless to say she was interested in my story and I was interested in her line of work. She said that sadly other than surgical advances very little has changed in the last thirty years for brain tumor treatment.
I want to go to sleep now. It is really hard to be productive when your mind wanders to some very real and close to home troubles.
Plus the neighbors are smoking and making something ridiculously stinky. I think it might be pot. They are always smokers but it rarely filters into our place like this. It's giving me a headache.
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Friday, August 10, 2007
Quiet Days
Hello everybody. This entry could be long and ramble a bit or it could be short for all I know. I guess I would say that while I have a lot on my mind these last few days I have been feeling extra quiet and more to the point not feeling like doing much of anything. I haven't even been nagging Jon much to do baby prep stuff! As much as I want this baby to come I am not doing enough to prepare for it and I know it. It is good thing blee won't be in the nursery for months because it is a total mess with all the clothing and other gifts piled in the crib. We have two empty drawers, why aren't we using them? But for the first months she will be sleeping either with us or in the Pack n Play bassinet that is next door to the bedroom in my studio.
The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.
The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.
Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!
So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.
The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.
The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.
Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!
So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I can't wait to meet you!
And it isn't just the pain and discomfort, but I am already madly in love with you and can't wait to meet you. I wonder to myself and out loud to my husband what you are going to look like and be like. Will you have a lot of hair at birth like I did? If the old wives tales are true you will because I have had serious acid from carrying you!
Will your hair be dark like mine or blond like your daddy? His hair is darker now, but he was a total toe head when he was small. What color will your eyes be? I want to meet you! I'm ready.
By far the hardest part of the pregnancy for me has been missing my own mother. That is a pain that can't be settled filled with questions that can never be answered. When I say to myself that my mother in law is the giver of cute baby stuff like bibs and booties but my mom would be the giver of books I don't feel comfort, just emptiness. I want her here. I want my mom to give you books like I know she would. I want you to know your other grandmother as the kind, smart and wonderful woman she was.
And it isn't just about you either blee, but about me and wanting to have her too when I have pains or some sort of hardship. People have been wonderful, helpful and kind to me this whole pregnancy and I am blessed for that. But sometimes I just want my mother.
I'm the same age that she was when she had me. But when she was pregnant with me she was having seizures that turned out to be an undiagnosed brain tumor that eventually led to her death. She was the strongest person I have ever known. They removed the tumor from her about a year after I was born and gave her about six months to live. She held on for seventeen years. Growing up everybody always told me that she was alive because of me, and now I understand the kind of love that could make somebody so strong to beat such difficult odds.
Will your hair be dark like mine or blond like your daddy? His hair is darker now, but he was a total toe head when he was small. What color will your eyes be? I want to meet you! I'm ready.
By far the hardest part of the pregnancy for me has been missing my own mother. That is a pain that can't be settled filled with questions that can never be answered. When I say to myself that my mother in law is the giver of cute baby stuff like bibs and booties but my mom would be the giver of books I don't feel comfort, just emptiness. I want her here. I want my mom to give you books like I know she would. I want you to know your other grandmother as the kind, smart and wonderful woman she was.
And it isn't just about you either blee, but about me and wanting to have her too when I have pains or some sort of hardship. People have been wonderful, helpful and kind to me this whole pregnancy and I am blessed for that. But sometimes I just want my mother.
I'm the same age that she was when she had me. But when she was pregnant with me she was having seizures that turned out to be an undiagnosed brain tumor that eventually led to her death. She was the strongest person I have ever known. They removed the tumor from her about a year after I was born and gave her about six months to live. She held on for seventeen years. Growing up everybody always told me that she was alive because of me, and now I understand the kind of love that could make somebody so strong to beat such difficult odds.
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