And looking up at the sky but being unable to get to it.
Depression. Something I have been struggling with pretty severely since March. My friend getting sick and other things really gave me a knock down. Enough that eventually my doctor didn't know what else to do but give me an anti-depressant. Something we don't take likely due to my condition. But we did and I felt better.
For the first week. I was back to work and not feeling tired and lethargic all the time.Energy without mania. I was a little bit thirsty and a little hungrier than normal but I was working again so it was worth it.
-Then the insomnia set in.
-Then the persistent dry mouth.
-Followed by sudden weight gain (2.5lbs in three days).
-Then my energy dropped back off.
Oh and then I started going blind waking up with massive and crippling eye pain. I would have sharp pain in my right eye and a little in my left and it would hurt to open them. Even when it subsided a bit I was left with heavy eyelids and extreme sensitivity to light. This happened on and off for a week before I finally had enough, decided it had to be a rare allergic reaction to the medication and took myself off of it.
Everything went away. I no longer worry about waking up with stabbing pain in my eyes (knock on wood), when I drink water I am refreshed and I am not overly hungry. I'm still not sleeping too well and my energy level is crap but I can see and that all that matters. Really having the eye problems freaked me out so good that I am just ecstatic not to have them anymore. On Saturday I woke up with the pain so bad it nearly ruined my workshop. It did have an impact on my productivity since I had to wear dark sunglasses most of the weekend.
I guess we will figure out where to go next when I see my doctor next week.
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
And this was just the beginning
My day started off pretty terrible. Worried about my friend (thanks for the supportive words BTW) and then feeling like I got kicked myself not good. I felt like dirt emotionally pretty early on but since blee was being so good instead of wasting away and feeling sorry for myself I dove headfirst into art.
It started with some woodblock printing. The neat thing about this image is that for all these prints I used just one piece of newsprint carefully folded after each run through the press. And then I used that piece of newsprint + one paper towel for cleanup.
Took a break. Went for a walk in the light rain with blee bundled up in our fleece pouch and her raspberry gnome hat by Rachel-Marie and hoofed it to the Library to use the photocopier. Detoured on the way back to 7- Eleven for some Lemonheads.
Gocco time! Printing on the usual bits of dictionary and other book pages, pretty papers and for the first time on top of woodblock prints that weren't ACEOs. These were two that something was missing from and the colorful and whimsical Gocco design really finished them off. I'm really falling head over heels in love with my Gocco printer at this point. Too bad I am out of bulbs now and will have to make an order soon. I think I may delay it a bit to force myself to use the designs I have already burned. And to cut up more of the paper I have printed and in a folder. I'm pretty stocked except for bulbs.
I guess I am proud of myself for using a negative to motivate myself instead of pull me down into a pit like I am known to do. In total I have over twenty new pieces including the ACEOs and not including the printed papers for collage. This is probably the most single productive day I have had since before blee was born.
More rain expected so expect more creation Thursday. Most likely some collage.
Tonight we finally get towatch No Country for Old Men. This is how it is for parents having to wait and wait for things to come out on DVD. We are both huge Cohen brothers fans and it sounds like this one could rival or even surpass Miller's Crossing from years ago.
Have a great evening and an even better Thursday. See you there!*
*I'm a wuss and want to watch it during the day. I had my face buried in the sofa the whole time. Wait until the weekend. Jon is not amused.
It started with some woodblock printing. The neat thing about this image is that for all these prints I used just one piece of newsprint carefully folded after each run through the press. And then I used that piece of newsprint + one paper towel for cleanup.
Took a break. Went for a walk in the light rain with blee bundled up in our fleece pouch and her raspberry gnome hat by Rachel-Marie and hoofed it to the Library to use the photocopier. Detoured on the way back to 7- Eleven for some Lemonheads.
Gocco time! Printing on the usual bits of dictionary and other book pages, pretty papers and for the first time on top of woodblock prints that weren't ACEOs. These were two that something was missing from and the colorful and whimsical Gocco design really finished them off. I'm really falling head over heels in love with my Gocco printer at this point. Too bad I am out of bulbs now and will have to make an order soon. I think I may delay it a bit to force myself to use the designs I have already burned. And to cut up more of the paper I have printed and in a folder. I'm pretty stocked except for bulbs.
I guess I am proud of myself for using a negative to motivate myself instead of pull me down into a pit like I am known to do. In total I have over twenty new pieces including the ACEOs and not including the printed papers for collage. This is probably the most single productive day I have had since before blee was born.
More rain expected so expect more creation Thursday. Most likely some collage.
Tonight we finally get to
Have a great evening and an even better Thursday. See you there!*
*I'm a wuss and want to watch it during the day. I had my face buried in the sofa the whole time. Wait until the weekend. Jon is not amused.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Five Months! And nekkid
(well she does have pants on, this is pre-bath) Even pre-bath she is cleaner than those first moments. It seems so long ago. She is a far cry from her chicken leg days and has moved on to full fledged hams. Not just any old hams but Christmas hams!
Blee is five months old today. Wow does time fly when you're having uhm fun? Lack of sleep? Lack of time? Feeding constantly? ding ding ding all of the above.
I love my chubby little peanut so much. The Gerber baby has nothing on her! Now to figure out a way to make money off my little cutie, pay for college! Or maybe a semester with how tuition is going. Even with us saving it is going to be so hard to pay for her school. These are the things we have to think about if we ever consider having another child. Especially since I really want to adopt a baby girl from India but that is very expensive.
The 365 Sketch group on Flickr is growing at a furious pace and I couldn't be happier to see so many people getting into it! I was already pretty motivated to draw daily but this group gives me that extra push I need on certain days. If you haven't joined because 365 just seems like too much for you I don't blame you. I also say that there is no pressure to actually live up to the group name. Whatever works. Lurking is fine by me too.
Speaking of not needing encouragement I have been manic/ hypo-manic these past few days. This is the second night in a row that I am not sleeping. I am supposed to go to bed at midnight but instead I filled half of a little legal pad with random sketches. I just couldn't stop until my hand started hurting. And here I am been done thirty minutes and I have yet to go to bed. I'm want to go to bed and I don't. Actually I don't want to go to bed but I know that I should. Despite my lack of sleep last night I did well today.
I swear I haven't had anything more than two cups of tea today and that is nothing for me. Also, that was this morning.
But we are meeting Jon's parents in New Haven Saturday afternoon and I really should try to bring myself back to earth. I have been having such a hard time communicating. I trip over my tongue and can't stay on topic to save my life. It sure beats being depressed but sometimes it can be quite scary. Especially the nervous ticks that come along with it. I get stuck in positions and still move constantly. It is hard to explain.
Stuck. Yeah. At the computer. I'm out of here for now.
Wish blee a happy almost half a year old birthday now! Thanks for stopping by.
xoxo
~marissa
Blee is five months old today. Wow does time fly when you're having uhm fun? Lack of sleep? Lack of time? Feeding constantly? ding ding ding all of the above.
I love my chubby little peanut so much. The Gerber baby has nothing on her! Now to figure out a way to make money off my little cutie, pay for college! Or maybe a semester with how tuition is going. Even with us saving it is going to be so hard to pay for her school. These are the things we have to think about if we ever consider having another child. Especially since I really want to adopt a baby girl from India but that is very expensive.
The 365 Sketch group on Flickr is growing at a furious pace and I couldn't be happier to see so many people getting into it! I was already pretty motivated to draw daily but this group gives me that extra push I need on certain days. If you haven't joined because 365 just seems like too much for you I don't blame you. I also say that there is no pressure to actually live up to the group name. Whatever works. Lurking is fine by me too.
Speaking of not needing encouragement I have been manic/ hypo-manic these past few days. This is the second night in a row that I am not sleeping. I am supposed to go to bed at midnight but instead I filled half of a little legal pad with random sketches. I just couldn't stop until my hand started hurting. And here I am been done thirty minutes and I have yet to go to bed. I'm want to go to bed and I don't. Actually I don't want to go to bed but I know that I should. Despite my lack of sleep last night I did well today.
I swear I haven't had anything more than two cups of tea today and that is nothing for me. Also, that was this morning.
But we are meeting Jon's parents in New Haven Saturday afternoon and I really should try to bring myself back to earth. I have been having such a hard time communicating. I trip over my tongue and can't stay on topic to save my life. It sure beats being depressed but sometimes it can be quite scary. Especially the nervous ticks that come along with it. I get stuck in positions and still move constantly. It is hard to explain.
Stuck. Yeah. At the computer. I'm out of here for now.
Wish blee a happy almost half a year old birthday now! Thanks for stopping by.
xoxo
~marissa
Friday, January 25, 2008
I declare
That I am done with the collage challenge . The original challenge the creator Magic Jelly set up was two weeks. Well I of course decided in a manic fury that two weeks was nowhere near big enough so I would go to the end of the month. Heck maybe until my birthday next month!
Nope. Not happening. Don't get me wrong I loved the challenge and am so glad that I participated in it. But It also wore me out emotionally. The rush and the roller coaster of it. I need a break, even if by that I just mean being able to not feel pressured to make a new one each and every day. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but at least I accomplished a lot in those 14 pieces and progressed as an artist.
I tried a bunch of new things; stitching, gocco, drawing and other more subtle changes to my work. Heck I even used crayon! I think I am in a new phase in my art. It started with the washi additions to my ACEOs and now it has come full circle into complete multi media pieces. I still adore my pure woodblock pieces and am certainly not tossing them aside. But I needed to grow out of that and discover new challenges. And here I am, in the thick of it for better or worse.
Sometimes I think it would be good for me to take a complete break from the computer. No Etsy, no blogging (writing or reading oh my), no flickr. Nothing but having Jon check my sales once a day so I know if I need to ship anything. But I don't think I can do it. What do you think? Am I too much of an addict? Yeah probably.
Nope. Not happening. Don't get me wrong I loved the challenge and am so glad that I participated in it. But It also wore me out emotionally. The rush and the roller coaster of it. I need a break, even if by that I just mean being able to not feel pressured to make a new one each and every day. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but at least I accomplished a lot in those 14 pieces and progressed as an artist.
I tried a bunch of new things; stitching, gocco, drawing and other more subtle changes to my work. Heck I even used crayon! I think I am in a new phase in my art. It started with the washi additions to my ACEOs and now it has come full circle into complete multi media pieces. I still adore my pure woodblock pieces and am certainly not tossing them aside. But I needed to grow out of that and discover new challenges. And here I am, in the thick of it for better or worse.
Sometimes I think it would be good for me to take a complete break from the computer. No Etsy, no blogging (writing or reading oh my), no flickr. Nothing but having Jon check my sales once a day so I know if I need to ship anything. But I don't think I can do it. What do you think? Am I too much of an addict? Yeah probably.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Challenges - New Beginnings
Sure, I have been able to post new work. But it was work created at the end of 2007 that is still being scanned in. Hoping your year is off to a bang as well. I know it is for at least some of you. The world might be scary but this isn't part of that world is it?
This work is so new that it is very unfamiliar territory for me. The challenge is to do a quick collage a day for two weeks. Or at least that is the original challenge as I have really run with it and am currently doing a couple a day. Ever since December or late November I have been pushing myself artistically. Of this I am proud. I am proud of every failed piece because it truly is a learning experience and overjoyed by each little success. It started out small with me getting out the washi paper I had been given many months prior and cutting little leaf shapes into it. Then I glued those papers onto black cards and made some ACEOs. They were different, they were fresh and not only did people buy them but I had a new energy and desire to explore. And a taste for new paper starting with washi.
Now here I am cutting up an out of date dictionary I dug out of my closet and uses pieces of super old prints of mine that I destroyed for scraps long ago.
More! My tiny exacto blades are my new favorite tool. I even maticulously set up a portable washi paper cutting station so unlike my woodblocks I can do these everywhere.
And I have been sketching more than I have in a long time. In fact I only have a couple pages left of my current moleskine. Great timing since I have a 25% off one item coupon at Dick Blick burning a hole in my pocket.
Now I need to get back to work. My energy level is near frantic as I can't do everything I want to do and have such a hard time focusing on one task. Too many ideas with limited time. I'm thinking that I may be a wee bit manic but what am I to do other than ride it out and enjoy it while I can. Put it to use and try not to overwhelm myself.
I'm not feeling negative lately and that is something. Far from it. Using art to keep my mind from thinking about what is going on out there is my escape. If I didn't have it I would be a mess of anger and worries all the time.
Eeek! It is way past the witching hour for me, I need to get to bed pronto!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
playful week
Hope I am not the only person enjoying this week. If you live where you are getting unseasonably good weather I hope you get to enjoy it, because it never lasts.
I probably should have waited until I had more time, but I was in the mood so I experimented with my new monotype inks last night. With limited success but that is okay. I'm still learning. Unlike relief work this is a process that has never come naturally for me. I took to woodblock carving and printing flying but with this I really have to see improvements in baby steps. The plate looks pretty cool at least! Also, I forgot to order a medium that I could really use. Next time I order some wood from McClain's I think I will include that. And I could use some midsized woodblocks.
The walk to the doctor went well and today is even nicer so we are going to do it again just for the joy of the walk. No shutting myself in when I don't have to! When there is good weather in January I had better take advantage of it. I think the greyhound playgroup around here is tonight, maybe we can make it for the first time since blee was born.
Had a bit of a scare about our insurance while at the doctor. Seems a secretary told him I had an HMO that isn't covered. It got straightened out since I do not have an HMO but it really left me feeling vulnerable for awhile. His office was hot as heck too and I was covered in fleece and warm baby so I was pretty uncomfortable indeed.
I can't wait until spring when blee and I can walk all over Boston together! It just can't come soon enough. Weather like this in January is great but I know that tomorrow we could always get hit with a blizzard because that is just how New England works.
Here is my list for today;
1) tummy time and babywearing with blee. try playing peek a boo without scaring the crap out of her like yesterday
2) enjoy this weather - long walk
3) blog
4) etsy list 2
5) put away laundry
6) pack and send orders (before walk)
7) greyhound playgroup at 6pm
I probably should have waited until I had more time, but I was in the mood so I experimented with my new monotype inks last night. With limited success but that is okay. I'm still learning. Unlike relief work this is a process that has never come naturally for me. I took to woodblock carving and printing flying but with this I really have to see improvements in baby steps. The plate looks pretty cool at least! Also, I forgot to order a medium that I could really use. Next time I order some wood from McClain's I think I will include that. And I could use some midsized woodblocks.
The walk to the doctor went well and today is even nicer so we are going to do it again just for the joy of the walk. No shutting myself in when I don't have to! When there is good weather in January I had better take advantage of it. I think the greyhound playgroup around here is tonight, maybe we can make it for the first time since blee was born.
Had a bit of a scare about our insurance while at the doctor. Seems a secretary told him I had an HMO that isn't covered. It got straightened out since I do not have an HMO but it really left me feeling vulnerable for awhile. His office was hot as heck too and I was covered in fleece and warm baby so I was pretty uncomfortable indeed.
I can't wait until spring when blee and I can walk all over Boston together! It just can't come soon enough. Weather like this in January is great but I know that tomorrow we could always get hit with a blizzard because that is just how New England works.
Here is my list for today;
1) tummy time and babywearing with blee. try playing peek a boo without scaring the crap out of her like yesterday
2) enjoy this weather - long walk
3) blog
4) etsy list 2
5) put away laundry
6) pack and send orders (before walk)
7) greyhound playgroup at 6pm
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Well, this made my day!
I was feeling pretty stressed out and awful yesterday, then I saw this and I smiled and then laughed for the first time in awhile.
Check out the statue next to it. Squirrel headed bride! Just another reason for me to love BirdNerd! Not only is she a talented artist, a sweet person but she is cute and funny. And of course she has great taste as well.
Thank you my dear!
When I get upset today I have found myself looking at it and my mood brightens. How can I feel bad when my art is on the other side of the country with such a lovely person with such a great sense of the eclectic.
I have a bunch of new ACEOs made and coming into my shop one by one so keep an eye out for them there and on Flickr. Lots of experimentation going on with these. It is great fun!
Check out the statue next to it. Squirrel headed bride! Just another reason for me to love BirdNerd! Not only is she a talented artist, a sweet person but she is cute and funny. And of course she has great taste as well.
Thank you my dear!
When I get upset today I have found myself looking at it and my mood brightens. How can I feel bad when my art is on the other side of the country with such a lovely person with such a great sense of the eclectic.
I have a bunch of new ACEOs made and coming into my shop one by one so keep an eye out for them there and on Flickr. Lots of experimentation going on with these. It is great fun!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Goals and Such - My Schedule
Last Day for Domestic 1st Class Christmas shipping. Orders need to come in by noon so I have time to package them and get them to the post box before the 1pm pickup. I am doing free Priority Mail upgrades to orders $30 or over. But the cutoff for that is tomorrow.
Something I have learned is that it is very important for me to have some sort of a schedule that includes getting to bed around the same time every night. More than anything I can do outside taking medication a sleep schedule is important to managing bipolar. In fact even when on an effective medicine combo messing with my sleep can totally override it. It is that important, but also very hard for me to stick to. I failed last week when I stayed up past two printing and I paid for it big time for a number of days. Right now my goal is to be in bed by midnight which I have mostly stuck to (once was up until 12:15) but I don't think that is good enough. I really should start winding down around 10:30 and be in bed around 11 so I can hopefully be asleep by 11:30 since it is hard for me to get to sleep. Always has been. This gives me a few hours of sleep before blee wakes up between 1am and 3am for a feeding and changing.
Another thing I have been doing has been using a list on iGoogle (kind of like Widgets for OSX but better since it is web based). I set seven reachable but important goals for the day. And I always rotate at least one out and one in each day to keep things different and help me get things done. And if something becomes total habit I remove it completely. Right now I am working on making wearing blee and exercising habit and I think I am almost there. Thankfully the two often go hand in hand since I am able to do certain exercises like squats while wearing her and using her as a handy weight.
I think I may start posting this here since the problem with the widget is that there is no record after the day is over. This way I can go back and cross things out and see how I am doing week by week. And see what I am doing.
1. wear blee (min hour total)
2. art
3. exercise
4. tidy up
5. List 2 Items
6. blog/ Flickr
7. rest
These are good simple goals to have that keep me from stressing about everything thing that needs to get done and helps me get more done because I spend less time stressing.
Also, I recently joined a group called BostonBabywearers and was rather disappointed because they never seemed to meet in Boston but always well outside the city. Not locations friendly for my carless butt to drag my three month old too. Heck, they weren't even on the T line unless you include lots of bus transfers. No thanks. So I politely spoke up and asked about meetings in Boston and a number of interested women in my area spoke up and now we are planning something in JP early next year. I'm excited about connecting with other mom's that I hopefully have more in common with than the one in the mom's group through church. Don't get me wrong those women are all very nice generous and kind hearted people and I like them. But I seriously feel like the odd duck out in that group. Even though I am not much younger than any of them I feel very young and I think I am the only one that didn't grow up Christian and that seems to make a huge difference. The only one with any doubts, or at least will admit to them. I really have a hard time opening up to them. I mean none of these highly educated upper middle class to downright wealthy women knew what agnostic means! One of them tried to define it but failed miserably. A for effort I guess? Having been agnostic the vast majority of my life, borderline atheist I was shocked by this. I want to continue going to that once a month meeting, but I think these babywearers may be a bit more like me. Or at least balance it out.
Time to get to some since blee is actually napping!
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Funny Thing
How the simple task of organizing my new little washi cutting ACEO making portable station along with finishing off a couple in the process can give me focus and allow me to go on to being creative. It is 2am and I just finished up a bunch of printing. I have quite a few finished pieces as well as some pieces that I hope to finish tomorrow.
Much scanning to do! I am pretty excited with the washi additions on the ACEOs along with some new blocks that are getting printed for the first time.
Now I must go to bed as I would like to go to church tomorrow and not be a total zombie. Though when you have a baby people kind of expect you to be a zombie, but they don't expect you to be a zombie because of art. What can I say, I suffer for my art! Sleep can wait.
Happy Sunday!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Merry Christmas!
To me.
The Happy Light Jon ordered for me Monday night came this morning, just in time for me to sit in front of it for thirty almost peaceful moments this morning with breakfast and (paper) journaling. This is to help treat the mixed state depression I have been going through very bad lately. Winter is rough on me. I can't take anti-depressants for a number of reasons so I am hopeful about this. It is quite enjoyable, the light itself and the routine of it could be. I haven't actually written in my paper journal since the day before I found out I was pregnant! First I was too shell shocked and then simply too sick and just out of the habit.
It was a good habit that I am going to try and get back into. It is one of the many things I am doing to try and feel better.
I have the block that can barely be seen in this photo almost completed then I have a small block to carve. Then printing. I am hoping to have all my carving done tonight. We have gotten in the routine of giving blee a nice bath then massage before bed and it is going quite well. Last night she slept her longest stretch yet, eight full hours. This after a horrible night before when she kept waking up every hour and a half or so all night. So far tonight is looking good.
Oh and I was featured on Trunkt the other day. I logged on to take down a sold piece and there I was on the homepage. This is the second time that I know of.
The Happy Light Jon ordered for me Monday night came this morning, just in time for me to sit in front of it for thirty almost peaceful moments this morning with breakfast and (paper) journaling. This is to help treat the mixed state depression I have been going through very bad lately. Winter is rough on me. I can't take anti-depressants for a number of reasons so I am hopeful about this. It is quite enjoyable, the light itself and the routine of it could be. I haven't actually written in my paper journal since the day before I found out I was pregnant! First I was too shell shocked and then simply too sick and just out of the habit.
It was a good habit that I am going to try and get back into. It is one of the many things I am doing to try and feel better.
I have the block that can barely be seen in this photo almost completed then I have a small block to carve. Then printing. I am hoping to have all my carving done tonight. We have gotten in the routine of giving blee a nice bath then massage before bed and it is going quite well. Last night she slept her longest stretch yet, eight full hours. This after a horrible night before when she kept waking up every hour and a half or so all night. So far tonight is looking good.
Oh and I was featured on Trunkt the other day. I logged on to take down a sold piece and there I was on the homepage. This is the second time that I know of.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Knowing When to Stop
That I need a break. I won't be posting on this blog this week. I will only upload things to Flickr or list on Etsy if I am really feeling like it. But right now I need to get away from these things for awhile as I am not doing too well. It is horribly cold and icy outside. Like this image but not s pretty. I'm feeling very down combined with blee having a major growth spurt that is just killing us. She is back to waking up every hour to two hours hungry and suddenly that milk I had backed up in the freezer is getting drained. But sometimes she wakes up screaming only to eat a tiny bit and then fall asleep. And she will not sleep in her crib.
Now is not the time for me to be worrying about blogs and Etsy but to rest and take care of myself. My beautiful washi paper arrived the other day and I have been playing with that but am trying not to pressure myself to get new work out so quickly.
She's screaming again. Have a great week.
Now is not the time for me to be worrying about blogs and Etsy but to rest and take care of myself. My beautiful washi paper arrived the other day and I have been playing with that but am trying not to pressure myself to get new work out so quickly.
She's screaming again. Have a great week.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed by the rush of ideas that I am feverishly sketching each day. I have enough supplies just never enough time for all that needs to come out of my head. I'm having a very hard time finishing anything because soon after getting into one project I get a new idea that I feel I must start on right away.
And now I am seriously feeling quite overwhelmed as I stare at my stacks of paper. Half of them have one layer, the other half are blank and are being saved for later. I'm not going to print on it all right away maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of it which is still a lot! The rest will be used as a background color for other colors. It is getting close to midnight on Wednesday and therefor way past my bedtime. Yet I really want to bring out my ink and start printing layer two, but I know that is a bad idea. Getting out ink is a bit of a time commitment, time that I should be spending sleeping. Which haven't been doing enough of lately. I guess you could say I have been feeling a little high which is all great except for the crash that comes later. And it always comes. Especially if I don't sleep and let this continue.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to finish some pieces for Friday. That is my big goal.
Now I am off to bed. I don't want to, but I have to.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Quiet Days
Hello everybody. This entry could be long and ramble a bit or it could be short for all I know. I guess I would say that while I have a lot on my mind these last few days I have been feeling extra quiet and more to the point not feeling like doing much of anything. I haven't even been nagging Jon much to do baby prep stuff! As much as I want this baby to come I am not doing enough to prepare for it and I know it. It is good thing blee won't be in the nursery for months because it is a total mess with all the clothing and other gifts piled in the crib. We have two empty drawers, why aren't we using them? But for the first months she will be sleeping either with us or in the Pack n Play bassinet that is next door to the bedroom in my studio.
The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.
The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.
Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!
So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.
The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.
The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.
Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!
So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Be more square!
Hey girls and boys! Yesterday was another rough one for me but after I thought it couldn't get any worse it didn't get any worse it got better. Why and how? Because my husband came home bearing a package from Kate Black containing the square magnets I have been wanting more of for months now. I only got one set the last time and I knew that I needed more right away. This is just the first set, each set of two magnets is original and one of a kind. On Flickr you can see this not so great photo of them all spread out, feel free to reserve any by making a note or contacting me. Jon really likes these square magnets and was interested in me getting a machine to make them myself until I showed him about how much they go for. Kate, your square magnet making business is safe! I really like how the woodgrain shows through.
I got a little extra something from Kate too, but I am going to keep that to myself for now. You will have to be patient and wait until Monday.
We have an appointment with the midwife this morning. Should be interesting. I'm ready to have this baby out, Jon on the other hand wants her to stay inside. Easy for him to say since he isn't the one suffering. Though after the shower and after the photographer from the Boston Globe comes on Monday to take my picture would be good for me. Also, him getting over his cold first would be nice. But really the idea of going another 19 days is pretty horrifying to me. Especially after another night of hell, which is what last night was for me. I didn't have the baby pushing up on my lungs and I thought I was doing pretty good when I went to sleep. Then I woke up with this acid cough and ended up puking. And even then the acid feeling didn't go away. I was up most of the night with it. The idea of actually carrying this baby longer than the 40 weeks has me screaming for mercy. I think I would be begging to be induced if I was even a day late.
I got a little extra something from Kate too, but I am going to keep that to myself for now. You will have to be patient and wait until Monday.
We have an appointment with the midwife this morning. Should be interesting. I'm ready to have this baby out, Jon on the other hand wants her to stay inside. Easy for him to say since he isn't the one suffering. Though after the shower and after the photographer from the Boston Globe comes on Monday to take my picture would be good for me. Also, him getting over his cold first would be nice. But really the idea of going another 19 days is pretty horrifying to me. Especially after another night of hell, which is what last night was for me. I didn't have the baby pushing up on my lungs and I thought I was doing pretty good when I went to sleep. Then I woke up with this acid cough and ended up puking. And even then the acid feeling didn't go away. I was up most of the night with it. The idea of actually carrying this baby longer than the 40 weeks has me screaming for mercy. I think I would be begging to be induced if I was even a day late.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Somebody on Etsy yesterday pointed out that the BBC series from last year The Power of Art will start airing on PBS starting last night. Of course I immediatly Tivoed it, I have been wanting to see this series badly for many months now. As Jon puts it this kind of thing is like porn for me. It not only appeals to me as an artist but it brings out the art history buff in me. My minor is in art history. At one point I even considered going into the art history field but I decided that acedemia would not make me happy like making art does.
Last night two epsidoes aired back to back, first one on Van Gogh followed by one about Picasso. I haven't watched the Picasso episode yet.
I've always loved and felt an emotional connection not just with Van Gogh's work but with what I read about him as a person. In many ways I identify with him, minus the whole genius part unfortunatly. When I was fourteen years old these friends of my father's much hated girlfriend visited us from Canada. I couldn't stand my father's girlfriend but her friend's were interesting, loved art and were very nice to me. They even gave me this hardcover three volume set all about Van Gogh. It contains everything he ever did along with tons of information about him and his life. I still have it and bring it out to look at from time to time. I remember going through it and just being drawn in by all the images and what I was reading about this man. Of course I already was pretty familiar with this artist given that he is one of the most famous artists of all time. But I had never seen him in such debth before. Watching the show last night brought back the very same feelings in me.
There is no doubt in my mind that Van Gogh wasn't bipolar. Everything I have seen and read about him from accounts to his actual letters just screams it. And it scares me, saddens me and helps me realize just how lucky I am. Without treatment, understanding and medication bipolar disorder is extremly damaging and often fatal. I could totally see myself dying from it eventually if I didn't have what medicine offers me today. A lot of people romanticize bipolar disorder and depression in general thinking that these bouts are what cause such creativity. Most depressed people I have talked to about it as well as my own experience leads me to believe it is the exact opposite of that. When depressed creativity is gone and when manic control is so far gone that the energy feels more useless than anything. Just like how the documentary described how Van Gogh would paint to stave off the episodes I have found the same to be true. It is the normal periods, or the periods with just a tiny bit of hypomania that the super productive creativity happens. But people today he did not have access to proper treatment so his episodes got worse and worse until eventually leading to his death.
Now it is time for me to finish drinking my little pot of irish breakfast tea and do some drawning and carving. I've been carving little blocks for art cards since last night after I thought about how I haven't done a new design for an art card in ages. Even the newer cards were made with older blocks. I desperately need some totally fresh work and starting small has proven to be the best way for me to break out of a slump.
I hope everybody has a gorgeous Tuesday.
Last night two epsidoes aired back to back, first one on Van Gogh followed by one about Picasso. I haven't watched the Picasso episode yet.
I've always loved and felt an emotional connection not just with Van Gogh's work but with what I read about him as a person. In many ways I identify with him, minus the whole genius part unfortunatly. When I was fourteen years old these friends of my father's much hated girlfriend visited us from Canada. I couldn't stand my father's girlfriend but her friend's were interesting, loved art and were very nice to me. They even gave me this hardcover three volume set all about Van Gogh. It contains everything he ever did along with tons of information about him and his life. I still have it and bring it out to look at from time to time. I remember going through it and just being drawn in by all the images and what I was reading about this man. Of course I already was pretty familiar with this artist given that he is one of the most famous artists of all time. But I had never seen him in such debth before. Watching the show last night brought back the very same feelings in me.
There is no doubt in my mind that Van Gogh wasn't bipolar. Everything I have seen and read about him from accounts to his actual letters just screams it. And it scares me, saddens me and helps me realize just how lucky I am. Without treatment, understanding and medication bipolar disorder is extremly damaging and often fatal. I could totally see myself dying from it eventually if I didn't have what medicine offers me today. A lot of people romanticize bipolar disorder and depression in general thinking that these bouts are what cause such creativity. Most depressed people I have talked to about it as well as my own experience leads me to believe it is the exact opposite of that. When depressed creativity is gone and when manic control is so far gone that the energy feels more useless than anything. Just like how the documentary described how Van Gogh would paint to stave off the episodes I have found the same to be true. It is the normal periods, or the periods with just a tiny bit of hypomania that the super productive creativity happens. But people today he did not have access to proper treatment so his episodes got worse and worse until eventually leading to his death.
Now it is time for me to finish drinking my little pot of irish breakfast tea and do some drawning and carving. I've been carving little blocks for art cards since last night after I thought about how I haven't done a new design for an art card in ages. Even the newer cards were made with older blocks. I desperately need some totally fresh work and starting small has proven to be the best way for me to break out of a slump.
I hope everybody has a gorgeous Tuesday.
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