She's Here! And my energy is returning.

On the night of Sunday the fifth of December I went into labor around bedtime. We called my Doula at 3:30am an she was here helping us through it an hour later. Firstborn daughter blee slept through it all until 6:30 when she woke up on her own, a typical time. At 7:30 things shifted into high gear fast and at 8 my husband took our car and our daughter one direction to get her to school while my doula took me the other direction towards the hospital. Hoping to meet up again before the birth.

After narrowly avoiding giving birth in my doula's van, then the hospital waiting room while a receptionist lectured me about not being pre-registered and all the paperwork on me she'd have to do as a result. My husband did make the birth with all of about five minutes to spare. Charlotte Patricia was born at 8:58 and was put to my chest to feed straight away. When she did get weighed an hour later she came in at 8lbs 2oz and 19in. Not too shabby.


Big sister is loving being a big sister and we are all doing well and settling into our new lives as a family of four. She loves to tell everyone and anyone about her baby. She gives the baby gifts of her toys.

I Guess This Means I'm Nesting?

This is the start of the stash I am building for baby Charlotte. A few cozy wraps, stuffed animals, a tiny knit hat that never really fit Alex, a nursing cover, lovey blankets and more. Not much for right now, but newborns don't really need that much.

I'm twenty three weeks as of tomorrow and finally this whole we're going to have another baby business is sinking in and feeling like it is actually going to happen.

Friday Feature - Une Petite Etoile (one little star)

A star is what blee feels like when she wears one of our many luxurious bibs by Etsy seller Une Petite Etoile. My love for her clothing started when one of my favorite customers sent me a gift package filled with bibs and onesies back when I was pregnant. Now I have everything from blankies to diaper covers.

But now is not the time for me to shop for myself. Now I have a friend who is expecting a little girl at the end of the month and I need to find her something special so here I find myself back drolling at little frilly yet hip dresses and more bibs than I could ever need even with my messy eater. The things that keep me going back are her flawless craftsmanship combined with a beautifully seductive array of fabrics. The hard part is choosing what to get!

I'm getting a fabric covered headband for myself because I can't resist.

So she is MINE after all!

Daughter like the mother
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Both of us when we were fresh side by side. So much the same yet so different at the same time.

She was so tiny with such skinny little legs not the ham hams she has now!

I've been feeling a bit run down. I ordered a bunch of washi samples to play with on Tuesday or Wednesday and I am hoping they show up soon. Right now I don't know if I should start a new pattern block to carve (it has been drawn) or print. I always seem to have new things to carve, often things that take quite some time to complete and I can't get them done quick enough. And Jon is very busy with work stuff right now so that leaves me with even less time for art and for the whole Christmas selling season blah blah.

Have a good weekend. I will try to.

Of paper, dentists and bottle feeding perks

damage good!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

See this beautiful paper? Ten sheets of one of my favorite papers of the bunch is damaged. This is a very good thing because Dick Blick has awesome customer service and they are replacing the sheets with no charge to me. Note that I said damaged, not ruined. And really they are only slightly damaged, I can easily avoid the area and tear smaller sheets. This paper is not cheap. Between the thirty I got off the order and this I probably saved over fifty dollars off! I am going to have sooooo much paper. There is a place in Boston that sells nice paper, but with the baby getting there is such a pain so I will be ordering online from now on.

Now for something completely different. Even though I had an appointment with the dentist this morning (ew) things are going pretty well. And honestly after going through pregnancy and childbirth without drugs I am not scared of much involving pain anymore. My fear of needles and dentists is pretty much gone. Not that I enjoy it but eh more annoying and uncomfortable than anything.

Plus, while I was away Jon was caring for blee and apparently she was a bit of a nightmare baby during that time. But now that I have her she has pretty much settled down and I can concentrate on work. I even tidied up the bedroom a bit and *gasp* made the bed!

My mood is much improved as well as I put things into perspective. Putting the soap in the milk did suck but she is obviously fine and we haven't had to use even an ounce of formula since. This is the longest we have gone totally without the supplement since she was three weeks old! It seems that I have (at least for now) finally caught up with her with my persistence and we have gotten into a rhythm together.

And bottle feeding has it's advantages. Jon is able to help out with the feedings, especially useful at night and me going out on my own is much more doable. In fact, on Monday I will be going to see Jens Lekman with a friend of mine while Jon is stuck at home caring for her. Score!

Too young to have her mouth washed out with soap

playtime with daddy
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Here's a tip. When you mess up while pouring your baby a bottle of breastmilk and add the soap to the milk instead of the empty bottle needing to be cleaned and ruin her food do not get online. When I saw what I had done I quickly thought maybe the liquid soap only got in so far and I poured out half of it, but then I realized that I was kidding myself and dumped the entire bottle as the tears began. In a situation like this Google is not your friend. Dr Sears is not your friend. iVillage is not your friend when you have a screaming in hunger baby and you just ruined all her food. I already felt horrible and was in tears and cried while I mixed up that bottle of formula. What would they have me do? I know that this wouldn't have happened if she was getting it directly from the source and I hate how that didn't work out more than I can express but I am doing my best. After weeks of trying I got sick of the tears from both her and me and did what worked best and allowed her to still get breastmilk. But that isn't enough for many people because I am missing out on a moment to bond. Well, it is a lot easier to bond with a happy baby as she drinks from a bottle than a crying and screaming baby that is not drinking from that wonderfully close bond that only a mother and child can share. I'm not perfect.

The internet is filled with some extreme viewpoints that can be land mines to an often overly sensitive person like me. People proposing that they have the true best way at parenting and if you don't do this you are a bad parent and your child will probably grow up to be a psychopath. It just isn't fair. Every person is different and every parent/ child relationship is different. This is one of the big problems I have with baby books. And so much of the research is based on anecdotal evidence that makes me very skeptical. Years ago tons of terrible advice was given by books written by the experts at the time. While obviously having a more attached relationship with your baby is preferable to letting her scream all night I still take these books and experts with a grain of salt. Or at least I do at moments like this when I am feeling rational. Wednesday night I was not and just cried and beat myself up picking on all my failings as a parent according to things I picked up off the internet here and there. Almost as if I was fishing just for information that would further my self hatred cause. Uhm yeah, should probably stop doing that and focus on her smiles instead. And her fat little cheeks and chubby thighs.

Since printing on Tuesday I have done a whole lot of jack squat. I've been stressed and depressed. Jon is staying home today to watch the baby while I go see my midwife for my six week follow up visit. I'm not concerned about it at all because I can tell that physically I am just fine other than the ruin of stretchmarks on my belly. I'm torn because part of me wants to bring her with so Lara can see her again now that she is older, but what if she gets fussy during the visit? What then? And I need to run some errands in the area afterwards and if she wigs out that will be impossible. She wasn't horrible for my Wednesday appointment, but she wasn't great either and did start crying. And that was only a 10-15 minute visit. This will be longer.

I don't know what I will be doing with the rest of the day having Jon around working from home. It should free up some time for me to get back to some carving that I had started on Monday night. Carving that I wanted to finish before I print again. People have told me that I should be proud of myself for doing any art during the pregnancy and after having her, but I am not happy with myself at all. I waste a lot of time feeling bad. It is not like all the time I spend not doing art is spent as quality time with blee. Feeling depressed just kills the joy of every activity from creating to playing with your adorable and sweet baby girl.

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Now playing: Brian Eno - Just Another Day
via FoxyTunes

Ugh! What a week!

Shrouded by Leaves - ACEO/ ATC
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I have some wonderful fresh ACEOs left and one mid-size, but other than that they are all oldies but goodies left. I haven't been in this position since the beginning of the year when I was sick puking three times a day. I may have some small 4"x4" pieces that I didn't get to scanning that I may go through today if I have the time. But I am pretty much out of stuff from my last printing (way back in mid-July) to list.

This week has been very hard. It started with me feeling overwhelmed with keeping up with the baby and trying so hard to keep the house clean and never having time for myself. I ended up pretty depressed for a couple of days. Snapping me out of that depression was a bad case of Mastitis, the key word in this illness that I had no idea about until I got pregnant is "tits". This illness is some serious business. Wednesday I went to bed with a fever and the chills on top of the pain and I woke up barely able to move with sweat pouring down my back. I can't remember the last time I had a fever, and this one was bad. Jon had to stay home because I was completely incapable of caring for myself much less the baby. I had one duty and that was to feed her. And even there he had to help me as much as he could. I called my doctor right away at 8:30 in the morning but got the bitchy receptionist. She left a message and told me a midwife would get back to me. Two hours of misery after still no call and this seemed odd so I called back. She basically told me that they were busy and I would just have to wait. All day I waited. My fever broke for a bit and that is the only reason why I put up with waiting, that and I was scared that if I tried again this woman would give me grief again. I fell asleep and around 5:30 received a call from a very upset and apologetic nurse. Apparently the incompetent and world hating receptionist had shoved the message in her box in a way that she totally didn't see it until just then as she was leaving. She talked to me about my symptoms and then consulted with a midwife before getting back to me. They agreed to put me on an antibiotic since my fever was returning and called it in so I wouldn't have to come in or wait until morning.

I see my midwife for the final six week appointment either next Friday or the one after that. If that receptionist is working then I am tempted to give her a "fuck you very much" goodbye. All the nurses, doctors and midwives there are wonderful. But the receptionists and people in billing are just terrible. They are either mean or incompetent. Or sometimes a lovely combination of both, like this woman.

Now as much as I want to clean up I need to take it easy and keep my stress down. I can do the basics but today I take care of the baby and myself by resting. Having me ill is not only hard on me but it is hard on Jon.

Weekend Update

Cityscape Ginkgo Leaves ACEO
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Tonight blee turns four weeks old! She'll be a month in just a few days!

Jon's parents arrived Thursday night and his mother just about squealed with delight when she saw the little one. She is quite smitten with the (not so) wee one. She is the mother of two boys so having a little girl to coo over and dress up is something she really enjoys. In fact Alexandra is the first girl born into the Swinghammer family in fifty years.

They watched her on Friday while I prepared for the Open Studios and got orders together. They can't get enough of holding her and I am happy to get some help. Then they watched her most of yesterday while I was doing the Open Studios but brought her to see me once, and then Jon came alone with her once while they did the Sam Adams brewery tour. The event went very well and I more than made up what I put into it and it was actually less stressful than last year. Plus I got to see some people from last year and catch up with them. Blee is not the only new baby, but she is the freshest! It went so well that we decided to leave my table, chair and easel and do a half day there today. Really most of the buyers don't come out until after lunch, it is mostly browsing before that time. His parents are out touring Boston so why the heck not? We can either watch her at home and make no money or watch her their and make money. And by starting late we were able to get a decent amount of sleep. Mmmm nothing like sleeping in until 8:30!

During one of blee's visits to my setup our pediatrician actually stopped by my table and checked out my work. He didn't know I was an artist and I didn't know he lived in the area. He looked her over as she slept peacefully in her stroller and said she looked great. But we are still going to get a more official checkup next month.

I think this card sold yesterday, but I honestly am not sure and need to go through my stock tonight to make sure that everything that sold has been taken off of Etsy. As I suspected the magnets of all sizes were a big hit because they are a great impulse purchase, but I sold a good amount of art too. Combined with the significant wholesale order at a price that pleased both me and the buyer September has been a shockingly good month for me. And nearly all of the success snuck in at the end of the month. I'm trying to remember last year but I think it may have been very similar, though this summer June- August was much better than last summer.

Now my shop is feeling very empty, having under 100 items for the first time this year. I can't remember the last time I had so few items. Now I am really feeling the desire to make some new work. It could use some fresh pieces for sure! Not that my old work is bad but all the pieces using my latest designs (butterfly, dragonfly and pinecones) are all completely sold out.

Hope the weekend has been positive for everybody and that you are all enjoying nice weather like we are here in Boston. It really turned out to be a great weekend for the inlaws to visit. They leave tomorrow but will be back for Thanksgiving.

Compromise

promoing mommy
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Thanks for the support during my breakdown yesterday. I've come up with what I think will work as a compromise for this weekend. I've decided that I will only do one day of the art fair. It will have to be Saturday because if I skip that day and go for Sunday I would miss having a good spot secured for my table.

Plus Sunday is little blee's (first month) birthday! Weee!

I'd like to have her with me tomorrow as much as possible, but since she hates being in a sling and her head is still too floppy for the Baby Bjorn I'm not sure how much we will have her and how much we will let his parents watch her. Maybe I will put her in her carseat stroller and cover her with stickers of my art to get people's attention. Beat that!

Last night I was in bed before 9am and even though she was trouble early this morning I do feel better than I did yesterday. Getting things done seems possible. The amount I need to do seems more reasonable than overwhelming today.

Must Do

• Drop domestic package off at the post box down the street.
• Remove wholesale sales from Etsy to reserve them for the person in Hawaii because I know she won't be online again until late tonight.
• Fill and send two international orders (meaning I need to go or have Jon go to the PO, hence the delay)
• Put prices on my work
• Remove pieces that were bought for a wholesale order from my portfolio
• Make an AWAY aka don't buy from me Avatar and shop announcement for Etsy.
• Get table from basement and do a trial setup for tomorrow.

Extras

• finish carving block
• tear paper
• print (yeah right!)

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Now playing: Mike Doughty - Sunkeneyed Girl
via FoxyTunes

I'm Tired

Tired - SPT
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

And I am not getting things done. Sleeping through the night is certainly not an option and that is to be expected. She actually does pretty well until around 5am when she is impossible to please. We really need to start going to bed earlier, but last night we had errands to run before Jon's parents arrived and got stuck in Red Sox traffic.

But not napping during the day when she sleeps, which is fairly often except for Monday which was hellish for me is just stupid on my part. But I have so much on my mind right now that I have a hard time relaxing and sleeping. Cleaning the house, the baby of course, art that I wish I was making, orders that I need to fill, dreading the stress of the JPOS this weekend and wondering if I should even do it or if I should just try and relax. But last year went so well and I did pay for my spot so it is hard to just stay home. So I am procrastinating just about everything right now.







I finished the clearing of the block and all that needs to be done now is the detail work. But my dreams of printing with it while the inlaws are here are all but dead at this point. I'm just too tired I just know I would mess it up and just wind up wasting paper and time.

I finally photographed more of the magnets and mirrors that I had made from print scraps and failures but I have no desire to put them up in my shop right now.

I'm feeling pretty frazzled and sad right now and just wish I could clear my mind while she naps so I could either rest or get one of my tasks done. I just popped some Advil so maybe my feet and back will stop hurting so much and I can do more than I have been.

My First Day alone

Summer Sea
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Good Monday morning to everybody. Seems that I am down to blogging only once or twice a week at this point, but considering I have a three week old I think that is pretty good!

Yesterday I was hoping to get the big crazy block finished, but that didn't work out but at least I did make progress and if blee behaves on our fist weekday alone together I should be able to get it down. I am feeling fairly well rested.

While I don't have anything new (yet) I do have this newly listed older piece from July. I was feeling so sick at the end of the pregnancy that I never got to listing a bunch of things. Since I am doing the big art fair the JP Open Studios on Saturday and Sunday this week may be the last week to buy some of my pieces. Last year I sold quite a bit of work. My shop will be technically open since I really don't have time to put over one hundred pieces into edit mode, but it will be shut down all weekend since I am bringing everything to the event. Please refrain from purchasing on those days unless you are willing to accept that the piece may not be available and the order will have to be canceled.

I also have a possible wholesale order in the works and that spurs me on to make new work as soon as possible. If blee goes down early tonight, tomorrow or Wednesday and stays down I may have to treat myself to a printing session. That would be fantastic. That way not only would I have new pieces to bring to the art show but also offer the wholesale person first.

Speaking of blee that kid is growing like crazy. She's a total fatty! This morning in under three hours she has downed ten ounces of milk. She's getting so big that she is difficult for me to hold, she could easily be pushing ten pounds at this point. And her head has grown a lot too. I would post a picture but the little beast is sleeping and I don't want to do anything that has even a chance of waking her. She's probably want to eat yet again. I'm having the hardest time keeping up with her appetite. But rest assured she is the cutest fatty ever with darling rolls all over her body and a nice Buddha belly.

Jon is about to leave for work for the first time since the birth. I have been very lucky to have him here full time the first week, part time working from home the second and full time working from home last week. On Saturday I handled most of her care for an extended period of time so while I am nervous I should be okay.

He is certainly going to miss her.

His parents get here Thursday night. His mother is going to be even more smitten with her when she meets here. They will be here on her month birthday. They grow up so fast!

My Hope

New Print Pile!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I haven't printed since the 31st of July and I am itching to soon. And I think this week may be the week for me, though probably not until Friday or the weekend. That is when Jon's parents will be here and they can help us with the baby. While she is a very good baby it is hard to find the hours that I need to print. Carving is something that I can pick up and put down at any time during the process. Printing is a little more difficult. Not impossible but I really don't want to get ink on my baby! So having enough time to clean up is pretty important to me. I might start wearing disposable gloves except my hands get so hot in them I really dislike them. Instead I have always used barrier cream which makes washing up pretty easy.

My hands are already so dry, especially my fingertips from all the hand washing and hand sanitizing I have been doing with the baby. While normally I am not really on the anti bacterial bandwagon since I do think it may lead to problems in the long run with the bacteria that can stand up to it. But with the baby it is different. When the baby went down for awhile I put on my best hand moisturizer but still my fingertips feel dry and rough. A side effect of having a baby that I never imagined. I am a printmaker and work with my hands and ink yet I have always managed to have nice hands and nails despite that, possibly because I don't use a chemical solvent.

Blee has been a wonderful baby these two weeks. We've had moments of great difficulty for us here and there but we learned from our mistakes (such as me drinking a latte bad bad no no!) and have learned what she likes. What she likes more than anything is us. Being close to us is very important to her, she is so snuggly that sometimes the best way to calm her and get her to sleep is to lie with her next to you. Sometimes Jon simply puts her in the co-sleeper on the sofa next to him while he watches TV or whatever and she's happy sleeping next to her daddy. I also learned the trick of letting her sleep on her tummy on my chest until she falls into a deep sleep then I am able to carry her over to her bassinet and put her to sleep on her back.

I hope all is well and that this week will be a good week for us and for everybody I know. I know that I have been in a bit of a cocoon lately but I do try and catch up with people when I can. Speaking of catching up I have a couple of emails that I should reply to.

Finally some Me Time!

Progress
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

The ultimate me time for me is working on art. And after a very difficult day yesterday where I got my first taste of baby blues I was able to have some of that much needed time today.

Blee went down for a nap around 10:30 and she is still sleeping. I used about an hour and a half of that time to work on carving this block that I hadn't been able to work on since August 21st and I think I made some significant progress. My goal was to get half of the negative space cleared out and I got a little more than that done. I haven't yet showered but who needs to shower when all you want to do is make art?

I realize that If I can get an hour or two in the next days I could actually get this block finished by the time my inlaws come at the end of next week and before the JP Open Studios. Having them around makes it much more likely that I will be able to take a couple of hours in my studio to print. And having new work for the Open Studios would be fantastic!

Now I will go shower. Oh wait, blee rises! Maybe later!

Sketching instead of carving

Moleskine Sketchbook and Microns
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

A little late to blogging today, but that I am able to do it feels like quite an accomplishment considering. We had an appointment with the pediatrician this morning and our time was spent getting ready for that. It went very well. After losing some weight after the birth (totally normal) she is back up past her birth weight and an inch longer!





Sadly I was not able to do any carving or printing yesterday so true to my word I filled a page of my sketchbook with doodles basically. Most of them are junk but sometimes something good comes out of it. But I certainly don't have a sketchbook worthy of showing off the contents of! It is a good way for me to wind down since even though the day is exhausting I get so wound up!

The reason why I never got to my studio isn't because I didn't have the time or energy because I did, it was because whenever I did have the time I found myself obsessed with cleaning the house. Putting away laundry and just getting things in order. Things that I couldn't do when I was pregnant for a very long time. Plus Jon had to do some work so I did have a little less time than I would have liked. But today he should be free other than getting the oil on the car changed and maybe a run to IKEA to pick up a small changing table for our bedroom and eventually my studio. I will never use my printing press to change a diaper I promise! The baby area is very much separate from the work area. She has her corner and I have the rest.

But I am continuing to list stuff on Etsy and on Flickr. I don't want Flickr to become nothing BUT baby photos just like I don't want that for my blog. If it wasn't raining and overcast I would love to take some time to photograph some of my magnets and mirrors. Next time we have sun I need to remember to do that and take a bunch!

Good Morning - Happy Birthday!

Good Morning
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

A week ago I was at the hospital getting a pre-induction treatment. I had no idea that by 7:14 I would be holding our beautiful baby girl.

All three of us couldn't be doing better. This little flower Jon picked for me this morning while walking the dog. The little pot was a gift for blee when she is older for her own flower picking from jdwolfepottery. Etsy user kindness strikes again!







While I haven't made any new work this week I did start listing new products that I was too tired, sore and depressed to bother with pre-pregnancy. My shop is now officially reopened. making it clear that it may take up to a week for shipping, especially internationally

Today some friends are stopping by to see the baby (and us I presume) but other than that we have no plans. So far it looks like it may not be as hot as it was yesterday so I would like to take her out on a stroll, maybe with the dog so she feels included. Our little bug was fed with the milk drug not too long ago so she should be out for awhile. After I finish up my breakfast and coffee and shower I am going to clean up my studio so I can either carve or print today or tomorrow.

Happy Sunday everybody! And happy birthday to Alexandra/ Alex/ blee/ bug at 7:14pm tonight!


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Now playing: Jens Lekman - Someone to Share My Life With
via FoxyTunes

The Rejected One

Maeby in her winter coat
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

First, let me thank everybody for all the supportive comments these past days and months! I wish I could respond to each one, but I just can't. But I want everybody to know that we have both appreciated it very much. Also, if you want more of a blee fix her photoset has been updated and will continue to be.

We've been getting this look a lot from our dog Maeby ever since we brought home our baby girl on Tuesday night. And when Jon spent some time at home while I was in the hospital she was very concerned. This adjustment is very hard on her and we are trying our best to make sure that she knows that we still love her. The thing about her, and greyhounds in general (though based on talking to other owners she is extreme about it) is that they are very attached to their humans. Very emotionally needy. When the two of us go out she gets locked in the living room to prevent the total destruction of the house. The living room is at the front of the building and nine times out of ten she catches us coming and lets out this whine/ moan that can be heard down the street quite a ways. Now that is love! It took us awhile to get used to it and not rush out freaking out that she had hurt herself. She never is hurt just overwhelmed that we are back.

But she will be fine. She is the gentlest and most tolerant creature I have ever met. She doesn't even bark. The only concern we had was a small one with Laguna the punk who is territorial and moody. He's a sweet boy most of the time but I knew that we would need to keep an eye on him. Thankfully he is quite terrified of the baby so we can relax a bit about him while still being cautious. My aunt told me about how when I was a baby staying with my grandparents they found me sleeping in the crib with the two poodles curled up next to me. Cute, but very terrifying at the same time!



Everything is going so well I think there is a chance that I could be able to do some artwork next week. Maybe work on that block that I had to stop midway through during the end of the pregnancy. Maybe even print a bit. Who knows? I'm healing very well, getting a decent amount of sleep and Alexandra is a good baby overall. We've had difficult nights but nothing more than we can handle and they are getting better not worse.

I even took my Etsy shop out of total dormant mode and am encouraging sales a bit with a warning that it could take up to a week to ship items.

Bummer, the screen of my phone got busted at the hospital and the phone I want to replace it I need to order online it seems. My phone still works but I can't do a lot with it except make calls where I know the # or receive calls. It is pretty low functioning for a cell phone! I can't even check my voicemail.

Fast and Furious!

Marissa and baby
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Welcome back from the weekend, hope it was fantastic for all. Though I don't think any of you could have me beat at this point for wonderfully eventful weekends! Little blee (or maybe not so little?) finally decided to enter the outside world at 7:14pm on Sunday night, and boy was she in a hurry to get here after those 12 extra days cooped up!

We went in for some pre-induction treatment at the hospital to help make the scheduled induction on Monday go easier on Sunday morning. The first treatment didn't seem to do much, we went and ate lunch across the street before coming back and getting a second dosage. There was even talk of the possibility of getting a 3rd dose before sending me home! After about a half hour of lying down I started having contractions and they came on quite strong right off the bat and got pretty serious (as in painful) very quickly. After about an hour of this we spoke with the midwife that was treating me and decided that this most likely was just the side effect of the treatment and would wear off. The pattern did not fit true labor and I had not progressed much closer. We decided to go home where I could take a bath and generally be more comfortable.

We were home and Jon was helping me with my breathing for close to two hours before I decided that this could be the real deal after all since even though it was still very erratic it was getting worse not better so when I was able to talk I had Jon call the hospital and they had us come right in. We arrived at the hospital around 6:15pm and they were ready to admit me right away. I was wheeled up to labor and delivery screaming for pain meds. Screaming for the epidural. I nearly cried when they told me that I had to be examined first as I wanted them to stick that epidural needle in my back right then and there if they would it hurt so badly.

Around 6:45 my water finally broke as the nurses were helping me get into a gown (or a Johnny as they like to call them here). By seven I was being examined and told that while I could receive an epidural the baby was so close to being born that I could have the baby by the time they got it for me. And that pushing would help direct and ease the pain more than breathing. I was absolutely terrified of the prospect of going drug free as this had never been my plan this entire pregnancy or even pre-pregnancy! But I wanted this over with as soon as possible.

With the midwife that had just gotten on duty delivering the baby, the midwife that had taken care of me all day and was on her way out when I came in cheering me on and applying wet towels to my face, two nurses and the one whose fault this was keeping me focused and motivated I did it! After thirteen minutes of pushing we had a large, healthy baby girl to hold and worry about for the rest of our lives. When she decided to come she didn't waste any time! I was in total shock for the rest of the night. Alexandra Lee Swinghammer was born at 7:14pm weighing 8.6 pounds and 20 inches. She made sure right away to let us know that her lungs work!

I feel fantastic! We had a great first day yesterday and we are both very smitten. She is already daddy's little girl and has taken quite a shine to being held by and talked to by him. I guess she heard him all the time he was saying "hi baby!" to my belly because she responds very well to his voice and him saying that now. She just loves being talked to in general.

She had her first visitors today. My aunt and her family came and two of Jon's co-workers came by to meet her. And of course her adoring public that is the etc. forum on Etsy that has been waiting to finally meet her was very pleased. I can't wait to show her all the love she already has and had even prior to birth when she is older!

Lots of phone calls lots of change. I seem to be healing quite nicely and quickly. Emotionally I feel very good and hopeful about our future as new parents. And even though it was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life it feels so good to finally be on the other side of it and be healing instead of getting worse!

I'll be back to making art in no time at all! But for now it is time to bask in the glow of my most beautiful creation.

pssst our camera battery died so we have no pictures from Monday other than the ones that my aunt took and hasn't sent us yet. Here is a photoset that we will be updating with new photos as we get them. The battery is charging now. I need to get some film of Jon with little Alexandra because it is touching.

I just woke up from sleeping and feeding and she is in the nursery while I sent Jon to sleep at home so he could be comfortable. Now I am ready to go back to sleep. When I started this entry I was very awake, now I am sleepy enough to be in danger of some major typos.

Thank you and I love you all! I'll be around!

His Final Days as the Baby

Love Bug
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I actually had to put something in the bouncy seat for the baby just to keep this little guy from crawling into it. Cute as it is seeing him in it he needs to be kept out of the babies things because soon he will not be the baby anymore. I got him in June of 2000 and he has been with me through a lot and boy is he one moody little guy! But I love him and I hope he handles the adjustment well. Especially since now he is the only cat we have left. Burrito would have been fine with the baby, she was always rather indifferent to changes as long as she had the back of a sofa to sit on she was happy.

I'm ready to have my body back. I know that the labor will probably break my body even worse, but at least then I can start the healing process. Right now I just feel stuck. The idea that I could actually print yesterday was such a pipe dream! It wasn't hot like it is today so I started tidying my studio so I could either print or carve. My press had some junk on it that had to go and so did my desk. After about fifteen minutes of this I was completely exhausted, my hips and back were killing me and my joints hurt. Even sitting wasn't good enough, I needed to lie down. It is very frustrating to say the least. And i feel so guilty for being such a slacker.

Today is my last appointment with the midwife. I'll get checked out to see if I am any further along but I doubt it. Since my midwife Lara wasn't on the schedule I probably won't see her again until after I have had the baby. But the other midwife I have taken a real shining too will be inducing me on Monday so all is not lost.

Today is Jon's last day at work before he takes leave for the baby! At the latest even with a difficult labor we should have her by Tuesday! I get chills thinking about it! We will use these last two days to go over the house for any final preparations and then on Sunday we go in to get things started. I could go into labor then but most likely I will go home to sleep then come back in on Monday for an inducement.

I hope everybody has a great weekend! I will keep things updated as much as possible! Expect baby pictures soon!

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Now playing: Jens Lekman - A Sweet Summer Night On Hammer Hill
via FoxyTunes

Quiet Days

Earthy Ginkgos
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Hello everybody. This entry could be long and ramble a bit or it could be short for all I know. I guess I would say that while I have a lot on my mind these last few days I have been feeling extra quiet and more to the point not feeling like doing much of anything. I haven't even been nagging Jon much to do baby prep stuff! As much as I want this baby to come I am not doing enough to prepare for it and I know it. It is good thing blee won't be in the nursery for months because it is a total mess with all the clothing and other gifts piled in the crib. We have two empty drawers, why aren't we using them? But for the first months she will be sleeping either with us or in the Pack n Play bassinet that is next door to the bedroom in my studio.

The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.

The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.

Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!

So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.

I can't wait to meet you!

Parents in 1974
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

And it isn't just the pain and discomfort, but I am already madly in love with you and can't wait to meet you. I wonder to myself and out loud to my husband what you are going to look like and be like. Will you have a lot of hair at birth like I did? If the old wives tales are true you will because I have had serious acid from carrying you!

Will your hair be dark like mine or blond like your daddy? His hair is darker now, but he was a total toe head when he was small. What color will your eyes be? I want to meet you! I'm ready.

By far the hardest part of the pregnancy for me has been missing my own mother. That is a pain that can't be settled filled with questions that can never be answered. When I say to myself that my mother in law is the giver of cute baby stuff like bibs and booties but my mom would be the giver of books I don't feel comfort, just emptiness. I want her here. I want my mom to give you books like I know she would. I want you to know your other grandmother as the kind, smart and wonderful woman she was.

And it isn't just about you either blee, but about me and wanting to have her too when I have pains or some sort of hardship. People have been wonderful, helpful and kind to me this whole pregnancy and I am blessed for that. But sometimes I just want my mother.

I'm the same age that she was when she had me. But when she was pregnant with me she was having seizures that turned out to be an undiagnosed brain tumor that eventually led to her death. She was the strongest person I have ever known. They removed the tumor from her about a year after I was born and gave her about six months to live. She held on for seventeen years. Growing up everybody always told me that she was alive because of me, and now I understand the kind of love that could make somebody so strong to beat such difficult odds.