The Weekend is Over

Surrounded by Pine Cones
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

It has been so weird not listing anything new for these weeks that the other day I broke down and listed this piece. It is the final pine cone piece I have made. Not the final one period, just the last one that I will probably have for awhile so I figured I should at least get this one up! Making my shop virtually dormant and not listing pieces that I have does feel strange even if it does make sense. I mean the only time I have taken a break since I started in January 2006 was when I was so sick I didn't have anything new to put up. This time it is different. Before I was sick and had nothing, now I have plenty but I am distracted and disconnected. First from baby anticipation and now with this added sadness from our huge loss. But the loss makes me want to do something to distract myself.





I would like to thank everybody for being so wonderfully supportive during this incredibly difficult weekend. Your support really did make a difference in getting us through the days and both of us appreciate it greatly. Even though she was a sick kitty and had been for a long time, this sudden and dramatic turn really caught us off guard. Putting her to sleep yesterday morning was probably the most difficult thing either one of us have ever done. We stayed with her until she was completely sedated. Jon held her in his arms while the sedative took effect so that was her final memory and we feel good about that. On Saturday more than anything I just wanted the day to pass without me going into labor (for once I didn't want it) because I knew that not only would any delay cause her more pain but she was doing so bad and getting worse so fast she could have died during the wait. And her dying in the corner behind the sofa is now that we wanted while I am having my baby! Thank God she got to have some dignity and plenty of love during her final moments. But our time with her was just too short. We're still in shock from it all. The first picture is the last picture I took of Burrito and the second one is the fat and rolly polly happy kitty we would like to remember her as.

Now that ordeal is over with we would really like to welcome the new baby! She will be a week overdue as of tomorrow and as a result we have an ultrasound and destress test scheduled at the hospital on Tuesday morning. They do this every time a woman goes a week overdue to make sure the environment is still safe for the baby, because that becomes an issue with pregnancies that go over term. Since my blood pressure has dropped and stayed stable I am no longer considered high risk and cannot be induced until I hit 41 weeks, but they will not let me go past 42 weeks. I don't want to be having this baby into September! It's okay that she decided not to be a Leo but to be a Virgo instead, but September? If I haven't had the baby when I get the ultrasound I may see if I can schedule an induction that day instead of waiting for my appointment with the Mid Wife on Friday the 31st. It is starting to feel like this baby isn't real and that she is never coming out. Sure she kicks the crap out of me on a nightly basis just to remind me of her realness, but come out already!

If I am feeling up to it and I can get the studio a reasonably cool temperature I am going to try and do some sitdown carving today. I have been so useless for weeks now and it is really getting to me. I get tired very fast. I have to try to get something accomplished, to produce something.

Saying goodbye to an old friend

little thing
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Before saying a hello to blee it appears that we will be saying goodbye to the sweetest cat in the world. She's older but not super old, but she has been sick with kidney disease for awhile now. We've done treatment for it, even had her hospitalized early last year and that has bought her time. But last night it hit home that she just isn't getting better anymore, she isn't bouncing back but getting worse, much worse and quickly. She still purrs from pets and attention because she loves us so much but it is very obvious that most touching physically hurts her. This cat that was once described as a "beautiful voluptuous girl" has now wasted away to under six pounds. Neither of us have ever had to do this before and it has been a heartbreaking decision to make but we know it is the right one.

Things I will always remember about her;

- How wild she was when Jon first adopted her from the shelter. She was an older cat already and had been abused for much of her life. He used to come over to visit me with his arms covered in scratches and bite marks. But this stopped happening as she got to trusting him and now even when vets poke her and hurt her she will never try to bite or scratch. She went from nearly feral to docile as can be.

- Her obsession with fitting herself on discarded pieces of paper. He had some menu to a restaurant near his apartment that he never even went to in his room that she liked to sit on and tuck every part of her body onto.

- Jon used to have two low to the ground Ikea chairs that she was obsessed with jumping back and forth from unable to decide which was better. They were identical.

- How he used to wake up every morning with her face right up against his waiting for him to open up his eyes. Then she would let out her meow that sounds like a quack.

- She stopped doing this when we moved in together and started sharing a bed. The first morning I was woken up to her staring at me, hitting me rapidly in the face and then running off. Sorry, I stole your man little Burrito. But we were good friends too despite this.

- Making the move from Ohio to Boston by car with two drugged cats. Mine took the meds the vet gave us and slept the whole trip but she refused to go down, but instead wandered around the car the whole time trying to get comfortable. Even climbing on Jon's lap as he drove a couple of time. Her balance wasn't so hot and she had droopy lids but she just wouldn't sleep.

- She likes licking plastic bags.

- Her constant yapping. Always done sweetly but it never stops.

There are so many more memories that we will treasure, but these are some of the big ones for me.

We love our Burrito. Also known as bear. The back of the sofa just isn't going to be the same without you. Nothing will be really. I'm sorry we can't give you a longer life but we have tried our best to give you a good life. This is not how I expected to spend my Saturday.

Oh noes! Tragedy and pain.

blee is a zombie
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I thought I had transformed my studio into my happy space. Not just back but better than ever. I had fantasies about where the pack n play will go with the baby and even finding a way to put a comfy rocking chair for me next to it so I can just chill and be comfortable in my favorite room.

I found a couple cool things while cleaning. That makes me happy. I could see the floor again and that gave me a sense of accomplishment.

Then I realized this morning that I probably threw away one of my two favorite pieces while I was in my cleaning frenzy. A piece I had been holding onto for myself and stupidly put off framing. I've looked but it doesn't look good. I've decided that I am going to try and "remake" it though that is completely impossible. The colors are so subtly and randomly varied there is just no way. But maybe I can get something that I like? It is really all I can do. But I expect the magic that was in the original will be lacking from anything now.

To top everything off while looking for the missing piece I found one of my old journals. A journal from when we first got married and things were not so good. Some people know this about us, but many do not. Our marriage started off very rocky. I shouldn't have opened the pretty little pink and red journal but I did. Didn't get any farther than a couple of sentences but the damage is already done. I tossed it in total disgust. What a self pitying pain in the butt, not willing to do things to make our marriage better bitter bitch I was. I was 24 at the time, but acted more like I was a spoiled teenager. I don't even deserve him. I can't believe he stuck with us through all this. I thank God that everything was able to change. That I was able to change because while of course we have fights here and there just like any couple that world that we lived in just a few short years ago is now miles away. This baby is being brought into a marriage filled with love. By the time I got pregnant things were better. I'm pretty damn lucky.

He is off right now getting me an iced coffee and a bagel. Yup, I've got it good.

Thanks for letting me vent. Happy weekend. I am going to try and cheer myself up. Get some paper ready and attempt to make something pretty.