Monday, August 13, 2007

Never a cool kid

Looking at You - ACEO/ ATC
Originally uploaded by m.Lee
Should a blogger show no weakness? I'm a professional and should exude confidence at all times right? Well maybe this post will never see the light of day but right now I am not brimming with self confidence. Not being able to physically or mentally make art certainly isn't helping me feel good about myself as an artist. I wanted to do some printing or carving so badly yesterday but my body and mind just weren't up to it. I am on countdown mode to the baby and my life is pretty much on hold right now.

Don't get me wrong I love and am quite confident in my work most of the time. I've really grown as an artist in the past two years. Even damn proud of many of my pieces and certainly am proud of my rather large body of work. Even small pieces like this art card are things of joy for me. And I am also proud of what I have accomplished as an artist doing it my way in a rather short period of time after a long period where I had no art. It is quite the turn around and that is something that I should be thankful for and celebrate.

But sometimes I see something random surfing around online late at night while battling anxiety induced insomnia or a random thought pops into my mind and I suddenly feel small and insignificant. Yes I have this, this and this but what about the things that I haven't accomplished? And then I start comparing myself to other artists and their successes and I don't always measure up. My work may be strong and I am not about to change it to meet whatever is hip but I am just not one of the uber cool indie artists it seems. My work is beautiful, colorful and filled with complex layering and texture. But I don't know just how much of a cool factor it has. I'm just trying to find and accept my place in all of this and love my work for what it is. I've never been one of the cool kids in any time or any scene in my life so why should this be any different?

I am way more secure about my work than i used to be, but I have my moments when I am not. It will pass I am sure, especially when I am able to work again. I'm sure being exhausted and filled with pregnancy hormones isn't helping.


stilettoheights said...

from one not cool kid to another Marissa....I feel you.

If it makes you feel any better (even a little) I think you're cool!!

It is hard not to be swayed by the hip and young artists, I sometimes think and get depressed when I realize I will never reach that level of pseudo-fame...but I just do what I's all i can, and then I just hold onto the good feelings I get from work, as opposed to the insecurities.

general gow said...

so, i read this, and i thought- hormones. you always seem so confident in your work, and rightly so. i think this is all about things being turned around in that baby filled body. your work is really good. certainly beautiful. you'll be back to it before you know it.

dont worry about successes or fitting in or whatver. most artists that are considered great neverfit in when they were alive. consider van gogh. just plan on leaving a really great legacy. make stuff for you. dont worry about anyone else.

right now, i am working on a suite of monotypes that will probably never sell. whether its because i cant sell them because they are too personal or because they will have no 'commercial appeal' i dont know yet. but i am not worried about that at all.

i am making my work for me. if it speaks to someone else enough for them to cough up gobs of money, well woo hoo. but i dont worry about it.

oh, and congratulations on the baby. they are the best thing ever. period. i know. i had 3. well, not me, but their mom, but you get the idea...


Sara's Texture Crafts said...

Don't you just hate it when you wake up and feel like that?!

Chin up and blow off those occassional self-questioning moments! Your work is fantastic and you are an accomplished artist.

Sara x