Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I can't wait to meet you!


Parents in 1974
Originally uploaded by m.Lee
And it isn't just the pain and discomfort, but I am already madly in love with you and can't wait to meet you. I wonder to myself and out loud to my husband what you are going to look like and be like. Will you have a lot of hair at birth like I did? If the old wives tales are true you will because I have had serious acid from carrying you!

Will your hair be dark like mine or blond like your daddy? His hair is darker now, but he was a total toe head when he was small. What color will your eyes be? I want to meet you! I'm ready.

By far the hardest part of the pregnancy for me has been missing my own mother. That is a pain that can't be settled filled with questions that can never be answered. When I say to myself that my mother in law is the giver of cute baby stuff like bibs and booties but my mom would be the giver of books I don't feel comfort, just emptiness. I want her here. I want my mom to give you books like I know she would. I want you to know your other grandmother as the kind, smart and wonderful woman she was.

And it isn't just about you either blee, but about me and wanting to have her too when I have pains or some sort of hardship. People have been wonderful, helpful and kind to me this whole pregnancy and I am blessed for that. But sometimes I just want my mother.

I'm the same age that she was when she had me. But when she was pregnant with me she was having seizures that turned out to be an undiagnosed brain tumor that eventually led to her death. She was the strongest person I have ever known. They removed the tumor from her about a year after I was born and gave her about six months to live. She held on for seventeen years. Growing up everybody always told me that she was alive because of me, and now I understand the kind of love that could make somebody so strong to beat such difficult odds.

18 comments:

fernfiddlehead said...

oo mLee - I do know the feeling. My mom passed away when I was 22 and pregnancy and new-mothering has a different sort of pain attached to it without your own mother. It may sound weird to people who haven't experienced it, but I absolutely understand. xx

intothefire said...

Oh, Marissa, I wish she were with you, too. I think she probably is, but I understand the need for her in the flesh. Hugs to you and bLee.

groovyinclinations said...

Oh, you will be the best mom~ Marissa! I love the photo of your parents, they are such a great looking couple. Your mother was so beautiful. I know these times are hard~ darn it.
mindy wilson

Shannon said...

You are super special mlee! I can tell because of what you wrote down you are going to be an awesome Mom!

Megan said...

You made me tear up, Marissa! I know that you will be an amazing mom.

Persimmons Gal said...

Beautiful. Please keep that for little blee.

Oh and mean lady who made you feel bad yesterday...I dare you to tell Marissa she is anything but brilliant now.

jen said...

your mom did an amazing job on you, just as you will do on blee. it's a totally beautiful thing...

Anonymous said...

Oh man, that made me cry!



artgirlx (tracy)

Nora said...

Sweet sweet tribute to your mom mlee, she is with you in your heart and will be there as you raise your child every step of the way. I can't imagine how much you miss your mom, but I'll bet she would be so proud of the fine person you are today. take care of yourself!

Sweet Spice said...

that brought tears to my eyes
{{{{hugs}}}} i lost my mom 2 years ago



http://sweetspicestory.blogspot.com/

Cathy said...

oh, i'm crying too! it must be such a hard time - happy and sad all at once. but i'm sure your mum is looking down and will be bLee's very own guardian angel, as she is yours...
(scrap4u)

Marilynn said...

Marissa, I lost my mother when I was 21. She was not there when I had my children and it does leave a void. But, you will be a fine mother. Some how life seems to have its reasons. Me, I had a wonderful mother in law, but it is very different from having your own mother. Seme day, when you have grand children, you will make a better grandmother because you will know how it feels to give birth without a mom around. It will make you stronger and and better in the long run. I have been there both times for my daughter, knowing how it felt not to have mom around, you will give more. Enjoy your little one.

Angela said...

You mother sounds like she was a very strong person. :) I know what having seizures is like. Scary things!
I know what it is like when you loose someone, it feels as if a piece of you is missing.Just know that she will always be with you.
Beautiful post! *HUGS*

stilettoheights said...

Aw Marissa...this was beautiful, very beautiful...I could offer to give blee books...but I know it's not the same.

Losing a parent is devastating, it also sneaks up on you at times, just when you least expect it, I know there are times that I am overwhelmed with missing my dad, as if I lost him yesterday.

hang in there.

xoxoxoxo

m.Lee said...

Aww Jenn that is a sweet thought. Thank you. It does sneak up on you feeling very fresh doesn't it? It has been over ten years now, but sometimes it feels like yesterday.

Thanks to everybody for the kind thoughts. Sorry for making some of you cry! I'll be okay I just needed to get these thoughts out.

b'oki. said...

Your mom was awesome.
You are awesome.
Blee will be awesome!!!

I loved your letter. Tears of joy.
HUGS from Kentucky,
Bette.

~Stella said...

Powerful post. I wish she was here with you.

Hugs from VA
~Stella

Katie said...

I'm sitting here in tears. :(

It's hard not having a mom anymore.