Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I can't wait to meet you!
Will your hair be dark like mine or blond like your daddy? His hair is darker now, but he was a total toe head when he was small. What color will your eyes be? I want to meet you! I'm ready.
By far the hardest part of the pregnancy for me has been missing my own mother. That is a pain that can't be settled filled with questions that can never be answered. When I say to myself that my mother in law is the giver of cute baby stuff like bibs and booties but my mom would be the giver of books I don't feel comfort, just emptiness. I want her here. I want my mom to give you books like I know she would. I want you to know your other grandmother as the kind, smart and wonderful woman she was.
And it isn't just about you either blee, but about me and wanting to have her too when I have pains or some sort of hardship. People have been wonderful, helpful and kind to me this whole pregnancy and I am blessed for that. But sometimes I just want my mother.
I'm the same age that she was when she had me. But when she was pregnant with me she was having seizures that turned out to be an undiagnosed brain tumor that eventually led to her death. She was the strongest person I have ever known. They removed the tumor from her about a year after I was born and gave her about six months to live. She held on for seventeen years. Growing up everybody always told me that she was alive because of me, and now I understand the kind of love that could make somebody so strong to beat such difficult odds.