Saturday, July 14, 2007

Oh noes! Tragedy and pain.

blee is a zombie
Originally uploaded by m.Lee
I thought I had transformed my studio into my happy space. Not just back but better than ever. I had fantasies about where the pack n play will go with the baby and even finding a way to put a comfy rocking chair for me next to it so I can just chill and be comfortable in my favorite room.

I found a couple cool things while cleaning. That makes me happy. I could see the floor again and that gave me a sense of accomplishment.

Then I realized this morning that I probably threw away one of my two favorite pieces while I was in my cleaning frenzy. A piece I had been holding onto for myself and stupidly put off framing. I've looked but it doesn't look good. I've decided that I am going to try and "remake" it though that is completely impossible. The colors are so subtly and randomly varied there is just no way. But maybe I can get something that I like? It is really all I can do. But I expect the magic that was in the original will be lacking from anything now.

To top everything off while looking for the missing piece I found one of my old journals. A journal from when we first got married and things were not so good. Some people know this about us, but many do not. Our marriage started off very rocky. I shouldn't have opened the pretty little pink and red journal but I did. Didn't get any farther than a couple of sentences but the damage is already done. I tossed it in total disgust. What a self pitying pain in the butt, not willing to do things to make our marriage better bitter bitch I was. I was 24 at the time, but acted more like I was a spoiled teenager. I don't even deserve him. I can't believe he stuck with us through all this. I thank God that everything was able to change. That I was able to change because while of course we have fights here and there just like any couple that world that we lived in just a few short years ago is now miles away. This baby is being brought into a marriage filled with love. By the time I got pregnant things were better. I'm pretty damn lucky.

He is off right now getting me an iced coffee and a bagel. Yup, I've got it good.

Thanks for letting me vent. Happy weekend. I am going to try and cheer myself up. Get some paper ready and attempt to make something pretty.


Ben Can Dance said...

Awwww, you're so pretty! And that's good to have a journal of even the 'not so good days' of your marriage. Like watching the foundation being poured before something huge is built. (Wow, I sound like a preacher)

m.Lee said...

I tossed it so friggin fast! Wanted to burn it but I don't trust myself with fire after the incident where I nearly burned down my studio!