Too young to have her mouth washed out with soap

playtime with daddy
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Here's a tip. When you mess up while pouring your baby a bottle of breastmilk and add the soap to the milk instead of the empty bottle needing to be cleaned and ruin her food do not get online. When I saw what I had done I quickly thought maybe the liquid soap only got in so far and I poured out half of it, but then I realized that I was kidding myself and dumped the entire bottle as the tears began. In a situation like this Google is not your friend. Dr Sears is not your friend. iVillage is not your friend when you have a screaming in hunger baby and you just ruined all her food. I already felt horrible and was in tears and cried while I mixed up that bottle of formula. What would they have me do? I know that this wouldn't have happened if she was getting it directly from the source and I hate how that didn't work out more than I can express but I am doing my best. After weeks of trying I got sick of the tears from both her and me and did what worked best and allowed her to still get breastmilk. But that isn't enough for many people because I am missing out on a moment to bond. Well, it is a lot easier to bond with a happy baby as she drinks from a bottle than a crying and screaming baby that is not drinking from that wonderfully close bond that only a mother and child can share. I'm not perfect.

The internet is filled with some extreme viewpoints that can be land mines to an often overly sensitive person like me. People proposing that they have the true best way at parenting and if you don't do this you are a bad parent and your child will probably grow up to be a psychopath. It just isn't fair. Every person is different and every parent/ child relationship is different. This is one of the big problems I have with baby books. And so much of the research is based on anecdotal evidence that makes me very skeptical. Years ago tons of terrible advice was given by books written by the experts at the time. While obviously having a more attached relationship with your baby is preferable to letting her scream all night I still take these books and experts with a grain of salt. Or at least I do at moments like this when I am feeling rational. Wednesday night I was not and just cried and beat myself up picking on all my failings as a parent according to things I picked up off the internet here and there. Almost as if I was fishing just for information that would further my self hatred cause. Uhm yeah, should probably stop doing that and focus on her smiles instead. And her fat little cheeks and chubby thighs.

Since printing on Tuesday I have done a whole lot of jack squat. I've been stressed and depressed. Jon is staying home today to watch the baby while I go see my midwife for my six week follow up visit. I'm not concerned about it at all because I can tell that physically I am just fine other than the ruin of stretchmarks on my belly. I'm torn because part of me wants to bring her with so Lara can see her again now that she is older, but what if she gets fussy during the visit? What then? And I need to run some errands in the area afterwards and if she wigs out that will be impossible. She wasn't horrible for my Wednesday appointment, but she wasn't great either and did start crying. And that was only a 10-15 minute visit. This will be longer.

I don't know what I will be doing with the rest of the day having Jon around working from home. It should free up some time for me to get back to some carving that I had started on Monday night. Carving that I wanted to finish before I print again. People have told me that I should be proud of myself for doing any art during the pregnancy and after having her, but I am not happy with myself at all. I waste a lot of time feeling bad. It is not like all the time I spend not doing art is spent as quality time with blee. Feeling depressed just kills the joy of every activity from creating to playing with your adorable and sweet baby girl.

----------------
Now playing: Brian Eno - Just Another Day
via FoxyTunes